tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488887316391780144.post5542547167573503994..comments2024-03-17T07:55:51.361+00:00Comments on Help! I Need a Publisher!: Pitch Pitch: - BELLADONNANicola Morganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12189894289540344094noreply@blogger.comBlogger15125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488887316391780144.post-26789027876121176602012-02-11T00:23:29.537+00:002012-02-11T00:23:29.537+00:00Hi Erin
I have to agree with everyone else that t...Hi Erin<br /><br />I have to agree with everyone else that the pitch sounds slightly younger than you intend it to. But I had no problem at all with the opening paragraph. I think it's just me though - when I first read it I thought the one True Name was referring to Hazel for some reason. <br />As others have said working on discovering her similarities to the witch is the crux and I'd Kirstyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12528345454322696726noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488887316391780144.post-10820817925903581352012-02-10T12:04:54.946+00:002012-02-10T12:04:54.946+00:00Coming in late as usual - I agree with some of the...Coming in late as usual - I agree with some of the above comments. The main problem, I think, is that this reads like the back-blurb and not a pitch which is why it is so hard for the author to put in the ending (done that!) <br /><br />I rather like the "old fashioned" tone of the writing but more of the dark would make it YA and not young-reader material. IMHO.<br /><br />Would be Cameronhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07745199648604340657noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488887316391780144.post-24394359888421691512012-02-09T22:23:25.123+00:002012-02-09T22:23:25.123+00:00Dan - Thanks for pointing up the importance of Haz...Dan - Thanks for pointing up the importance of Hazel and the witch's relationship, which, in many ways, is the book. <br /><br />Taylor - Thanks for the ideas about where to go at the end. I'm realizing I need to explain the stakes in more detail.<br /><br />Thanks to everyone for the wonderful comments and to Nicola for giving me the chance to get feedback. I will keep honing my pitch!Erin Johnsonhttp://oxforderin.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488887316391780144.post-87473069084223134242012-02-08T20:17:39.265+00:002012-02-08T20:17:39.265+00:00Hi Erin
I have to agree with most of everyone else...Hi Erin<br />I have to agree with most of everyone else's comments but in particular with Dan's. The idea of Hazel and witch slowly becoming more alike really stuck out to me as being creepy and making me wonder how they are alike, it hints at both a softer side/past to the witch and also a darker side to Hazel which I think readers really respond to. <br />From what you've said in JoMacdonaldhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11283910127476897192noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488887316391780144.post-1551757687271643782012-02-08T18:40:51.279+00:002012-02-08T18:40:51.279+00:00I agree this sounds younger than YA - though this ...I agree this sounds younger than YA - though this isn't a genre I read much. <br /><br />And I agree 'One hot August day' feels like a cliche, and I'm not sure about 'a fractious young lady' - can you not just say Hazel.<br /><br />Then - as others have said - we want to know what happens next.<br /><br />Having said that - this looks like a great read, so I hope you JOhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03127111575563904349noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488887316391780144.post-62209488130556008472012-02-08T18:39:24.955+00:002012-02-08T18:39:24.955+00:00Nice read as alwaysNice read as alwaysEdinburgh Flatshttp://www.greenlet.co.uk/edinburgh-flats-for-rentnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488887316391780144.post-24843770800921337952012-02-08T18:33:50.822+00:002012-02-08T18:33:50.822+00:00I agree that the pitch needs something more at the...I agree that the pitch needs something more at the end, perhaps something to identify the main conflict. Don't use rhetorical questions such as "will Hazel escape/make amends/learn from her ways?". Don't explain the plot any further. Merely add something to further explain the choices that lie before Hazel (and perhaps any further consequences of the witch knowing her True Name)Taylor FitzGeraldnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488887316391780144.post-48978723793248389722012-02-08T14:40:40.778+00:002012-02-08T14:40:40.778+00:00"she slowly discovers that she and the witch ..."she slowly discovers that she and the witch are more alike than she had ever suspected."<br /><br />For me that felt like the crux of the story's interest, the heart that the pitch, and the book, should be working out fromDan Hollowayhttp://danholloway.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488887316391780144.post-5693106387930207392012-02-08T11:22:30.873+00:002012-02-08T11:22:30.873+00:00Inkpen - Hello! I didn't see your comment bef...Inkpen - Hello! I didn't see your comment before. You've gotten from the opening of the pitch exactly what I was hoping to get across! I'm glad it worked for you.<br /><br />Thanks for your comments on needing more from the pitch and for confirming the younger feel. I will take this all into consideration when I go back to the pitch.Erin Johnsonhttp://oxforderin.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488887316391780144.post-38663834651909701612012-02-08T11:17:39.662+00:002012-02-08T11:17:39.662+00:00Hello everyone!
Thank you so much for your helpfu...Hello everyone!<br /><br />Thank you so much for your helpful comments. The first thing I've learned is that I need to go back to the drawing board as far as the pitch is concerned, because the novel is definitely a YA.<br /><br />Nicola - It's interesting that you mention Margo Lanagan's Tender Morsels. I haven't read it yet, but I just finished her latest, The Brides of Erin Johnsonhttp://oxforderin.blogspot.comnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488887316391780144.post-31412214599596379242012-02-08T11:11:14.181+00:002012-02-08T11:11:14.181+00:00Hi -
Tried to post earlier but must have hit the w...Hi -<br />Tried to post earlier but must have hit the wrong key so apologies if this shows up twice!<br /><br />Erin, I liked the 'hot August day' opening. Coupled with 'fractious' and 'governess', it set up an instant picture in my mind of a lively girl, dressed in heavy Victorian/Edwardian clothes, hot and bothered and therefore running wild, getting into mischief and Inkpenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03596202836670669564noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488887316391780144.post-17558209160209895672012-02-08T10:45:11.283+00:002012-02-08T10:45:11.283+00:00Hi Erin,
I think your pitch needs a round up sent...Hi Erin,<br /><br />I think your pitch needs a round up sentence at the end saying what she learns from Queen Morgana. Yes, the tone seems more middle grade. The language is definitely Grimm fairy tale but with 'young lady' and 'most unwillingly' sounding almost too motherish?? I liked 'One hot August day...' because it grounded me in the story and suited the fairy tale Elizabeth Dunnnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488887316391780144.post-12012857817833812182012-02-08T09:32:56.275+00:002012-02-08T09:32:56.275+00:00I think we need to know the rest of the story too....I think we need to know the rest of the story too. What happens next? <br />When I was having a problem Nicola suggested I (re)read Vivian French's "The Robe of Skulls" - which was, as always, good advice. There is also the marvellous "Which witch" by Eva Ibbotson. I do not know but would looking at them help you decide if your book was more middle-years?catdownunderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06959328192182156574noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488887316391780144.post-8864295025483841152012-02-08T08:54:50.553+00:002012-02-08T08:54:50.553+00:00Yes, I agree, it has the tone of a Grimm tale, or ...Yes, I agree, it has the tone of a Grimm tale, or perhaps a MG quest, rather than a YA. I'm seeing a lot of witches in YA at the moment, and they tend to be a bit more edgy. The language used also seems very traditional. Even MG books tend to have slightly more edge - be that sarcasm, humour, wit or clever neologisms (JK is the Queen of the funny noun).<br />It might simply be that you need Gooseghostnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488887316391780144.post-63967220480919915532012-02-08T08:16:17.594+00:002012-02-08T08:16:17.594+00:00I'm with Nicola that the opening line is a lit...I'm with Nicola that the opening line is a little tired. I like the feel of this very much but agree also that it seems pitched at a fairly young audience rather than YA.<br /><br />In your second paragraph you have used 'discovers' twice, (not being picky here it's something I tend to be guilty of),that is easily fixed.<br /><br />The book is appealing and were I choosing a bookJoanne Michaelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15053505030027457654noreply@blogger.com