tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488887316391780144.post6792878803648071166..comments2024-03-28T06:16:39.508+00:00Comments on Help! I Need a Publisher!: PITCH PITCH 2Nicola Morganhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12189894289540344094noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488887316391780144.post-48651154264786827692011-07-27T02:01:49.104+01:002011-07-27T02:01:49.104+01:00I'm new to crafting pitches myself, but I had ...I'm new to crafting pitches myself, but I had a few thoughts. You both are tremendously brave. I found that I'd been procrastinating on doing this very thing until recently because it's so scary.<br /><br />THe Undone Years: I think this pitch works well until the last sentence. I'm not big on short sentence fragments, but it works all right. You gave specifics until the lastScooter Carlylehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06193754150220063430noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488887316391780144.post-73958374068938845652011-07-21T15:58:10.230+01:002011-07-21T15:58:10.230+01:00Many thanks for the comments on The Master's S...Many thanks for the comments on The Master's Shadow. I take encouragement from them but I agree with some of the criticisms, especially the adjectives. Thank you all for taking the time and the trouble to commentReluctant Irishmanhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08924572036271783859noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488887316391780144.post-47228148468371280832011-07-21T11:19:57.739+01:002011-07-21T11:19:57.739+01:00Many thanks to those who took the time and trouble...Many thanks to those who took the time and trouble to comment on my pitch for The Undone Years. They were perceptive, helpful and thought-provoking. Changes will be made. Thanks also to Nicola for giving me this opportunity.Sally Zigmondhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07520579251842006765noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488887316391780144.post-60868083532665900832011-07-21T03:20:44.909+01:002011-07-21T03:20:44.909+01:00The Undone Years – I’m afraid I didn’t like the pa...The Undone Years – I’m afraid I didn’t like the partial sentences. The pitch reads to me like a movie voice over and the partial sentences especially don’t tell me anything that you haven’t already said in the other parts of it or don’t really say anything (eg Both yearning for something beyond themselves.) <br />Michael piques my interest – I want to know how someone knows both women (who are Tamlynnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488887316391780144.post-86298122463057121472011-07-20T23:25:00.570+01:002011-07-20T23:25:00.570+01:00Well done both for putting your pitches on here. Y...Well done both for putting your pitches on here. You've made your books sound enticing.<br />The Undone Years - I do like the partial sentences, but four in a row seems too many to me. Maybe elide the first two? "Two women, worlds apart."<br />I'm not sure 'entwined roads' can 'take place'. Maybe 'journeys' instead?<br />The Master's Shadow - the Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488887316391780144.post-63290285046017453882011-07-20T22:20:31.518+01:002011-07-20T22:20:31.518+01:00Based on Colman's pitch, I'd definitely go...Based on Colman's pitch, I'd definitely go on to read the MS (leaving aside some commercial concerns about whether Irish kids in Belgium is a seller in the UK - an Irish publisher presumably wouldn't have that issue.)<br /><br />To nitpick: I found the term 'paper chase' distracting (I don't know what it means, but it sounds like it means 'looking around for documents&Go away googlehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00920753582190379988noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488887316391780144.post-60523611696426301532011-07-20T22:09:51.317+01:002011-07-20T22:09:51.317+01:00Both sound like enticing books to me.
I'd agr...Both sound like enticing books to me.<br /><br />I'd agree with starting the first pitch with the Two women. Worlds apart line. <br /><br />My only comment on the second pitch would be to question the rhetorical questions. Do you really need them? Having followed Nicola's link the other day to the Behler blog, I am currently wary of them.Kath McGurlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02526923882402757423noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488887316391780144.post-69827326413740558532011-07-20T13:38:33.942+01:002011-07-20T13:38:33.942+01:00The Master's Shadow:
I would definitely drop ...The Master's Shadow:<br /><br />I would definitely drop both 'enigmatic' and 'sassy' -- the former seems like an odd thing to say of ones own sister, while the latter is a cliche. Which heroine isn't sassy these days? In fact the first sentence of the second para contains too much information and has punctuation issues, but nothing that can't be fixed easily.<br /><br Thomas Taylorhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12987047131104943571noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488887316391780144.post-31547860186762736562011-07-20T11:29:46.865+01:002011-07-20T11:29:46.865+01:00The Undone Years - I really like the premise, but ...The Undone Years - I really like the premise, but I would agree with other commenters that you don't really need the "January 1919." I think because you mention the General Strike of 1926, you don't need use the start date to identify which war this is following, which I think is all it adds to the pitch. I liked the repetition of "both," but I might aim for a third Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17755472634583011546noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488887316391780144.post-71294002249881379482011-07-20T10:01:40.786+01:002011-07-20T10:01:40.786+01:00Good luck to you both. You are in for an interesti...Good luck to you both. You are in for an interesting day. My thoughts:<br /><br />The Undone Years – I like the premise, the interweaving stories of two different women.<br />But – do you need the first line? Most people know that January 1919 is just after the end of the war. I had to read the next few sentences a few times – you are cramming in a lot of information. I wonder if something like JOhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03127111575563904349noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488887316391780144.post-91441678215362103602011-07-20T09:58:22.232+01:002011-07-20T09:58:22.232+01:00Thanks for letting us look at and comment on your ...Thanks for letting us look at and comment on your pitches.<br /><br />For 'The Undone Years' I would change things round slightly and start the pitch with 'January 1919. Two women. Worlds apart. Both stranded in a world they no longer recognise. Both yearning for something beyond themselves.'. Then I would have started a new paragraph for the rest of the pitch. I'm not keen Denisehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10716061651847932514noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2488887316391780144.post-89483543551974659352011-07-20T09:03:33.376+01:002011-07-20T09:03:33.376+01:00I really like the sound of The Undone Years. The o...I really like the sound of The Undone Years. The only thing I'd mention about the pitch are the repetitions - of shop, and "love after her lover's". I'll be interested to see what Nicola and others say about the short partial sentences. I love them, because they make a pitch sound like a movie trailer and give it added drama, but I know some people don't. The last Dan Hollowayhttp://danholloway.wordpress.comnoreply@blogger.com