Friday, 26 June 2009
SUBMISSION SPOTLIGHT 2: younger readers
This is PART TWO of the Submission Spotlight - Annie's submission for younger readers. To see the rules and understand what on earth I'm on about, please go to the previous post here.
Please comment - on BOTH submissions if you can.
Dear Secret Agent Man (or Woman),
I am seeking representation for RAVENSCOURT MANOR, a Middle Grade fantasy mystery novel that takes place in a pseudo-Victorian setting, borrowing heavily from Gothic literature. Complete at 46,000 words, it is a darker work for young readers.
Abigail Crowe is willing to accept that her father died of natural causes. She's willing to appear proper at the funeral (or at least try). She's even willing to put up with her little brother and his questions about death. But when Abigail's mother whisks them away to the estate of their estranged uncle, Dr. Edward Crowe, Abigail decides she is not willing to put up with the eerie strangeness that surrounds ancient Ravenscourt Manor. Ghastly screams in the night, an insane gardener, and a murder blamed on her late father are only the beginning. In order to prove her father innocent, and perhaps avenge his death, Abigail and her brother must face down their uncle, uncover the clues, and unravel a tragic family secret.
The full or partial manuscript is available upon request. I look forward to hearing from you, and whatever your decision, I thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Annie
The first 480 words of Ravenscourt Manor:
As the eldest child of the late Mr. Lewis Crowe, it was, of course, Abigail’s understood duty, as she stood at the foot of her father's grave, to look most properly saddened. Proper sadness, however, proves to be a rather difficult thing to pull off – as you are to shed tears (but not bawl), be respectful (yet not grave), and stand up straight and tall (without being too stiff). While her dress, cut of black crape and horridly uncomfortable, made her, indeed, too stiff, she found the other problems in her proper appearance far more troubling.
For one thing, she could not cry. She did not bawl either; her cheeks remained pale and dry, her eyes distinctly lacking in puffiness. All morning, she had been confronted with the stark reality of her father’s death, and through all of it: through the processions and the prayers and the muted mutterings of the crowd - she had not shed a single tear. It was not that she was unwilling to; even now, she tried her hardest to feel the sadness that she was supposed to be feeling. But for all her trying, the only thing she felt was the very strong urge to hit things.
Her brother William was an appealing target. Pale from medicines that were always too expensive, with his cherubic blue eyes and blond hair, most people thought him an angel. But he, certainly, was being neither respectful nor grave – fidgeting with his collar in an incessant way most improper for a funeral. Only the presence of their Mother – never mind the Preacher and other mourners! – prevented Abigail from acting on her more vindictive instincts.
Ashes to ashes," droned the preacher in a voice as parched and cracked as the pages of his Book. "Dust to dust..."
A sudden breeze, cold and heavy with the scent of rain, blew over the crowd. It pulled at Abigail's frizzy red hair and rustled the fabric of her skirt, a dull and mournful sound, like the whispers of a dying person. Abigail sighed. Even the weather knew how to act properly at a funeral.
And now William's fidgeting could not be ignored. Along with the Preacher’s ecclesiastical ramblings – as meaningless and frustrating to Abigail as ancient Greek – it made the situation almost impossible to bear. But still, she had no reason to break decorum until:
“Oh!” exclaimed the boy. “When is he going to finish, Abby?”
Abigail kicked him in the shin. And just to show that she was serious, she added a disapproving and very grown-up glare. Tsks and titters came from the other mourners, though the Preacher continued on, and Mother remained oblivious – but the important thing was that William got the message, and remained quiet and still throughout the rest of the Preacher’s prayers.
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23 comments:
Oh this is really hard! I've read both submissions but feel like I'm at least theoretically more able to comment on the children's submission, as that is what I try to write.
But I couldn't really see anything wrong with either submission (except for a minor spelling mistake in the adult submission), I wouldn't particularly go for the literature submission as a reader, as I don't particularly read literature (does that make me a bad writer?) but I think I would as a reader go for the children's submission. I thought the plot sounded a very tiny bit like Skulduggery Pleasant, only in that it opens with the death of an adult and then the main character going to a large old house with a death to avenge, but I doubt Skulduggery Pleasant has the trademark on the particular plot device, in fact it might make the book more marketable, sort of 'you liked Skulduggery Pleasant, then you'll like this!'
I like the premise in the covering letter, and this is the sort of plot that sells. However, the writing needs to be tightened, in several ways:
First, there is some inconsistency between formal/old-fashioned prose and the occasional slip into something modern: eg "most properly saddened" in contrast to "...difficult thing to pull off".
Second, an editor would say that some of the description is somewhat indulgent - it's vey tempting to give too much description too early, because we're writers and we love words and we want the reader to listen to them all, but there's too much detail before the action here. We can have detail, and we want it, but we have to know why we're reading it, and at this stage in the story we want something to happen, not more detail. So, be ruthless - cut, cut, cut. One trick is to give a passage / chapter to someone else and get them to see how THEY would cut a certain percentage (I'd say 40% ...). See what happens then! It will be tighter, trust me.
Third, you need to watch your sentence structure. Look at the following sentnence and note that the subject of the first part (the boy) is not the same as the subject of the main clause at the end of the sentence "most people"): "Pale from medicines that were always too expensive, with his cherubic blue eyes and blond hair, most people thought him an angel." It's a very common mistake but it's important to clear such things up, as it's about command of language. Things like "continued on" instead of simply "continued" also don't help. You'd get reviewers saying your prose was not "tight" - tight prose is what we're all aiming for, no word out of place, nothing extra.
In short, I think it's a great-sounding story, but the writing needs to be worked on. Get the writing right, and this book could sell! Thanks for submitting it!
Lacer - what was the spelling mistake in the adult submission? Unless you mean that I think (??) it should say "she" at one point where it says "he".
There were a couple of other minor errors - "try and" and a comma instead of a full-stop, but Iris Murdoch did that too (annoyingly ...) but I haven't spotted a spelling one. Which isn't to say there isn't one!
Byt the way, thanks for being the first person to comment! It is hard, isn't it? I think your marketing angle at the end is perfect.
Hi Nicola
I should have perhaps have said typo, it was the he instead of she.
Lacer's right - it's very hard to comment on these pieces and even more so when people above you have made the pertinent points!
I liked the premise for the book but it did seem uncannily familiar - is there something IN PARTICULAR that sets it apart from others in this genre that could be highlighted? eg could you maybe elaborate on the quirks of the insane gardner?
The writing itself seems quaintly old-fashioned (reminded me of Lemony Snicket)and possibly too descriptive to keep todays youngsters reading on. (This is the sort of writing I read -and enjoyed!- as a youngster but todays books tend to have much more pace to pull the reader in quickly.)
What about starting with the dialogue, "When is he going to finish Abby?" so the reader is immediately engaged in wondering who is going to finish what?
Have you tried writing it in first person POV by having Abigail narrate events? That might add some pace - but won't work if you have scenes where she's not present obviously.
I think your idea and writing has potential - and I think you are VERY BRAVE in submitting it for scrutiny. Best of luck with your endeavours.
(These comments from a wannabe writer in this field who is much to cowardly to submit anything - YET!)
I think this query letter sounds wonderful and intriguing. I liked the way it begins with the sentences about what Abigail was willing to accept, then what she would not accept.
The actual opening was a little more problematic. It felt like it had too many dashes, qualifiers and asides that made it a little jerky when reading.In the first sentence, you could easily leave out the "of course" and it would probably be a little smoother to move the part about standing at the foot of the grave to the end of the sentence, after stating how she should properly look. I think there are a few times the sentences are put together in this way, and it was a little awkward for me.
I think this could be a wonderful book, and like Nicola said, I think tightening the writing would do wonders.
Great responses so far - keep them coming! this is really interesting and very positive stuff. Vicariousrising - good points.
I like the sound of the plot. It is the sort of thing that would raise the fur along the spine of a cat.
However I have just had a ten year old read the opening lines. Her comment was, "The sentences are too complicated and it sort of sounds like it is meant to be in the past but it also sounds like it is now. I think the person writing it has to make up their mind about that and then I probably would read it."
I hope that helps.
Hi Annie,
As per previous thread, magazine (not one that publishes fiction!) editor commenting as a reader here.
One positive point re the query letter: I did want to read this; I love unravelling mysteries and you convey the sense of sinisterness.
One negative point re the query letter: I felt Abigail's personality isn't coming through - she patiently puts up with things and seems forced into action. If you could show more of the qualities that will make her an active sleuth and successful mystery-solver, I think Secret Agent Woman would be more engaged.
One positive point re the excerpt: Now Abigail's personality comes out. I enjoyed the way she feels what she feels and doesn't fake what she's supposed to and bosses her brother - all relatable.
One negative point re the excerpt: I think there might be too high a percentage of words too difficult and old-fashioned for your audience: crape, distinctly lacking, stark reality, muted, cherubic, incessant, vindictive, parched, ecclesiastical, decorum, oblivious.
1. Yes, because I like mysteries, but without knowing what the mystery is I can't say if it's compelling (creepy old house and evil relatives are staples - it's the possible murder that might stand out.)
4. I worry about children avenging a murder - that seems much darker than the rest of your tone suggests.
5. Description where you could have action. For example, the presence of the mother keeps vindictive instincts in check, but you could show this by having Mother catch her eye and frown, or grab her hand.
7. I hope that however you revise you keep your strengths in focus - the appealing personality of Abigail, the honest take on emotions, the intriguing setting. And the ability to finish a book - I have not been able to do that myself and I really admire everyone who has. And shares it, thank you.
Thank you all!
You have no idea how much these comments are going to help me. Even though this excerpt is only the first five hundred words, you’ve already pointed out things that I hadn’t noticed – and they’re things I do habitually, which means I have some direction for my next round of edits.
Lacer and Clare – I _have_ been told by an agent that the story seems a bit too familiar, though I’m not quite sure how to differentiate my piece from others like it, especially in the early chapters. It _is_ a rather common setup; I know that. I had just hoped that the trope would be a draw, rather than a hindrance.
Vicarious, Nicola, Cat, and Jan – Thank you for your comments on vocabulary and style. It’s something I’ll really have to look at in my next round of edits, since now that these flaws have been pointed out, I realize they’re pandemic.
Thank you all, once again. And if there are any more suggestions, I’m only all too eager to hear them.
This book sounds intriguing. Definitely something I would pick up to read. I do agree with the general comments about pacing and action, especially what one commenter said about all the dashes, commas, etc., which made it a bumpy read. I can handle it in a paragraph or two, but if it were like that throughout the whole book, it would get annoying.
I have to disagree with Jan about the overuse of old-fashioned words in your excerpt. I thought these words made Abigail more interesting. My opinion could change (slightly) depending on her age, though. Right now she feels 14-ish. My 13-year old daughter agrees with me on that point.
Good luck with your revisions!
I liked the query letter, but I think the submission was simply too wordy and long-winded to really appeal to a mid-grade age-group. The first sentence is rather convoluted and as a result you can't immediately tell if the narrator is being ironic or not. I would get in a lot quicker with the emotion, perhaps beginning with an adaptation of the later phrase: "Abigail could not cry." and then going on to explain where she is and how she is expected to behave. I can see that the author would want to give an impression of period dialogue but I think this has to be handled very carefully in order to work for contemporary children.
In general I think it could all be more immediate. The things we're told here would be better off presented in an active scene - for example it would be more engaging to see the governess or mother or whatever giving Abigail a talking to about how to behave, rather than have it presented in the abstract.
I'm not sure why the second sentence is in the present tense.
I think the idea behind this is great, but the laboured period style is choking it.
a Middle Grade fantasy mystery novel
Which is it? Fantasy or mystery? Each has their own audience and it’s important to consider which readership is more willing to cross genres. Mystery readers tend to want their books placed in real life settings, so they may be less likely to read a fantasy theme. Fantasy readers, on the other hand, are willing to include mystery into the plot. It casts a much wider net.
Also, both genres are pitched to different genre buyers, so it’s best not to make an agent or editor guess. Pick a genre and run with it. Your plot will reveal the other elements.
Abigail Crowe is willing to accept that her father died of natural causes. WHY SHOULDN’T SHE? DID SOMETHING HAPPEN TO MAKE HER SUSPICIOUS? She's willing to appear proper at the funeral (or at least try) WHY SHOULDN’T SHE BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN PROPER?. She's even willing to put up with her little brother and his questions about death WE’RE VEERING INTO FLUFF-VILLE. STICK TO THE PLOT, WHICH IS THE QUESTION OF HER FATHER BEING BLAMED FOR A MURDER. But when Abigail's mother whisks them away to the estate of their estranged uncle, Dr. Edward Crowe, Abigail decides she is not willing to put up with the eerie strangeness that surrounds ancient Ravenscourt Manor. Ghastly screams in the night, an insane gardener, and a murder blamed on her late father are only the beginning THIS IS FLUFF, AND HAS LITTLE TO DO WITH DETAILING THE PLOT. THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE TRYING TO SELL. In order to prove her father innocent, and perhaps avenge his death, Abigail and her brother must face down their uncle, uncover the clues, and unravel a tragic family secret. THIS IS THE MEAT OF YOUR QUERY AND WHERE YOU SHOULD KEEP YOUR FOCUS.
Ok, on to your writing:
Proper sadness, however, proves to be a rather difficult thing to pull off – as you are to shed tears (but not bawl), be respectful (yet not grave), and stand up straight and tall (without being too stiff).
THIS IS A SHIFT IN TENSE AND SHOULD BE PUT IN PAST TENSE. THIS WOULD READ MORE POWERFULLY IF YOU WROTE THIS FROM ABAGAIL’ POV. AS WRITTEN, IT’S TOO FAR REMOVED FROM ABAGAIL. YOU NEED TO ALIGN THE READER WITH HER ASAP.
While her dress, cut of black crape and horridly uncomfortable, made her, indeed, too stiff, she found the other problems in her proper appearance far more troubling.
I WOULD RECOMMEND REWRITING THIS TO CUT OUT THE COMMAS. READS QUITE ROUGH.
I’D LIKE TO KNOW WHY ABAGAIL CAN’T CRY, AND THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN THE PERFECT PLACE TO BRING IT IN.
GIVEN THIS IS YA, I WOULD HAVE LIKED TO SEE THE ACTION KEEP GOING AT A FASTER PACE. YOU CAN ALWAYS BRING IN WILLIAM’S MORE IRRITATING TENDANCIES LATER. SOME OF YOUR VERBIAGE IN YOUR NARRATIVE APPEARED TO BE A BIT MORE ADVANCED THAN MIDDLE GRADE.
I THINK YOU HAVE A GOOD START IN WHICH TO BUILD A STRONGER BEGINNING WITH A FASTER PACE THAT STICKS WITH THE ACTION AND ENGAGES THE READER MORE RAPIDLY. AS WRITTEN, THERE IS AN UNEVEN FLOW CREATED FROM THE BOUNCING BETWEEN THE FUNERAL, THE OFFSHOOT ABOUT WILLIAM, HER CLOTHING, AND WHY SHE CAN’T CRY.
Good submission letter, but it didn't seem to match the sample! Again, as in the last example submission, you don't spell out how the issue at the heart of the plot is resolved and you need to do so (at least in the real letter).
The submission letter made me think 'Hamlet' - dead father, mother moving in with dodgy uncle who may be the killer, revenge in the air. Is it Hamlet? If so, say so. I wouldn't say it 'borrows heavily' from Gothic literature, I'd say it is Gothic - more confident. You don't want it to sound derivative.
The letter suggests the book will be Gothic with humour (think Philip Ardagh, Lemony Snickett), but the sample seems to stumble between this and rather more serious Gothicity [?]. The names are pastiche Gothic, suggesting humour, but the pace and sentence structure suggest something heavier.
The sentences are too long and complex, the vocabulary too hard and the pace too slow for the age range you say you're writing for. I'm not against using unfamiliar words - it's how children develop their vocabulary - but in this short sample we have: crape [is this US spelling? is crepe in English; necessary technical term, keep it]; cherubic [nice word, keep it]; incessant [boring word, adds little]; ecclesiastical [not really necessary]; decorum [ditto]; oblivious [ditto]. And some which are borderline. That's more than 1% words that many kids will struggle over. It's enough to make some give up. Children love new words that sound good or have a delightful meaning, but lots of new words that just sound like grown-up ways of saying something simple can be off-putting.
It may be that you have chosen this style because you want a pastiche of original Gothic (Poe, Maturin, Lewis) but children won't get it - they will just get bogged down. I'd make the sentences shorter and sharper and speed it up a bit. It's 500 words in and all they've done is stand by a grave and get impatient. The readers will be impatient, too - you don't need to recreate the endurance test for the readers as they will go and do something else (they have the choice, unlike the characters).
I know that sounds all very negative and I'm sorry. It sounds as though it is a very promising story and as long as it does not turn out to be the same as all the others in this very crowded market - you will need something distinctive to sell another Gothic-lite. The style and pace are easily fixed: this chapter just needs a judicious dose of deleting. Then you can make your voice sing through and get the plot moving. Gothic-lite needs a lot of incident and a fast pace, so I hope you have lots that will happen.
I've written this as a children's writer. I haven't read the previous comments (I know I should have done) as I'm trying to finish before domestic duties take over - daughter's 18th birthday party today! I'll read the comments now - sorry if I've repeated anything already said :-) Thank you for being brave enough to share.
Just read comments - and everyone has said much the same. At least concensus is useful :-) Sorry about the ungrammatical sentence in my penultimate para, too. Rush, rush...
Me again, but in haste as am about to go away.
Some of the negative crits are from an American POV and don't apply to the UK market, Annie, so if this is UK market, take that into consideration. Eg mixing two genres (fantasy+mystery) works fine over here. Old-fashioned and long/unfamiliar words are also perfectly acceptable, WHEN the words are necessary - so, I do agree that you need to pare down the writing to make it much more immediate, I don't object top some of the words that some other commenters disliked.
Re the historical language - again, UK readers expect this and are comfortable to an extent, but not with over-complex sentences; it's better to create an "old" feel by simple changing of word order - eg instead of saying "she walked to the well every day" you might say "Daily she walked to the well". Then you're not slowing the pace, just giving a different inflection.
behlerblog is a ruthlessly honest and wonderful editor and writer, but she's asking questions which the reader at this stage of the book doesn't need to know - as long as we find out soon/later and as long as the things we (the readers) are wondering about early on are fascinating things. For example, i don't think this is valid: "Abigail Crowe is willing to accept that her father died of natural causes. WHY SHOULDN’T SHE? DID SOMETHING HAPPEN TO MAKE HER SUSPICIOUS? She's willing to appear proper at the funeral (or at least try) WHY SHOULDN’T SHE BE ANYTHING OTHER THAN PROPER?." I think these are perfectly interesting and immediate aspects to the story.
I hope you are not too boggled by so much different advice! remember that we are all coming at it from different angles (as readers would). I think the most important thing you should take from this are:
1) focus on the "meat of the story", as Lynn rightly says - the mystery that she has to unravel
2) pare down the language to make the plot move much faster from the start
3) be very very careful about the old-fashioned language - pick a neat and simple way to create the voice, and avoid over-describing and putting too much of your adultness into it.
I think we would all LOVE to see what you come up with as a re-write of this section!! And please note: i am intrigued by the query letter - it doesn't need too much work on it, as a UK covernig letter, but does need more for a US query.
Well done, and THANK YOU from me for daring to enter the lion's den!
Editor hat on here. Actually, I don't have any other hat :D.
The query seems fine, although I wouldn't admit to borrowing heavily if I were you. Editors run and hide when they encounter anything that even so much as hints at plagiarism. Maybe "influenced by". Sounds less lawsuity.
The plot is fine. I'd like some indication of why Abigail has doubts about her father's death, and maybe a little more story and a little less backstory, but overall it does its job.
So, it's all down to the writing.
Clearly you pass most of the early hurdles. Can spell, yes. Can use grammar correctly, yes. Have mastered the basic ideas of pace, paragraphs, and plot. Yes, although I'm only getting plot from the query, not from the pages.
My immediate problem with the writing is it's overdone. Don't tell me things three times (*of course*, *understood* duty, *properly* saddened) when you can tell me effectively once.
"As the eldest child, it was Abigail's duty to stand at the foot of her father's grave and look properly saddened" says what you want to say in fewer words.
We don't need the father's name yet--in fact, I'd say from experience that about 80% of the information authors put in opening paragraphs doesn't need to be there. Concentrate on showing us a character in a situation; backstory can wait. Dad's dead--unless he's going to reappear as a ghost, he's not a character in this novel :).
Too much backstory. Not enough story. Common errors, I'm afraid :). I'd probably send it back with an encouraging note.
I agree with Nicola about the query letter. I thought the sentences about what Abigail would put up with told about her character and set the tone of the novel.
I'm in the US, and I guess I can see the point of choosing a genre, but so much is being said here about straddling genres and genre blending these days, I'm not sure you'd have trouble here either. However, I'm commenting as an aspiring writer and not in YA, so it's only my observation as a complete amateur.
First - you are very brave
Second - this is really interesting and I would want to read more.
I've read your query and first page a couple of times and one thing that stood out to me is that the query letter seems quite brooding and dark - which is right for a gothic novel, but your sample has a more positive, confident tone that leans more towards comedy. This is where things get tricky. The tone of the query should match the tone of the book.
All the very best of luck to you.
The set up smacked of Lemony Snicket meets the Railway Children and so it needed something a bit more original to really grab my attention. I'd like to know more about the father and why neither child seemed to feel sad at the funeral. I stumbled at the word crape - surely crepe - if you're using unusual words they need to be spelled correctly. But overall I'd be really interested to read on!
Wow, okay, lots of advice here - kinda overwhelming! Though, fortunately, it all seems in the same vein. I'm planning on starting a severe edit of the piece tomorrow, so it's possible I'll post a rewritten version of the opening then.
Thank you all, once again.
"crape" is a normal US spelling so we shouldn't worry about that.
I think Annie has enough to go on now. I suggest we let her think about what to take away from the process and what to ignore, and how to stay true to her story while thinking of her readers. THANK you Annie, and everyone!
Yes, let's move on to the next victim...er author. Where are they?
:D
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