You don't need to read this. You know it already. You're clever and wised up and you've seriously been paying attention over the last few weeks. However, there may be someone in a distant corner of a distant land who is trying to get published but has been going around with eyes closed, brain in neutral and a deluded grin on his/her face.
If you know such a person, please direct him or her to this post. And now get ready to roll your eyes in tired incredulity.
Answer me something. Suppose there was an agent who worked on his own and didn't have an army of secretarial staff. And suppose the agent, as with so many agents, had put clear submission guidelines on his website. Suppose one of the guidelines was,
"Please do not phone me or send your manuscript electronically unless you are already my client."
And supposing this then happened:
The agent's phone rings. It is an unknown voice. The agent knows from the sound of the anxious breathing and the distinctive sound of toffees being unwrapped that this is an aspiring writer looking for an agent. (New readers of this blog may need to refer here for elucidation of that point.)
Writer: Hello, I wonder if I could have your email address so I can send you my manuscript.
Agent: Have you read my submission guidelines? They're on my ....
Writer: Yes, I know, but it just seemed like a waste of paper and stamps when I could so easily email it to you.
NOTHING is a waste of paper or stamps or time or money or effort or blood or tears or sweat or coffee or chocolate or wine or years off your life to achieve your aim of publication. Nothing, do you hear?
Otherwise, either (major crabbit old bat alert ...):
- Since you can't read, I'll bet you can't write, OR
- You are letting your great writing down by not reading and following the guidelines which are given to you free, repeatedly, and simply
Tomorrow I will bring you a little bit of word play and a teensy competition (I knew that would get you going) to indulge you while I disappear for a few days. Four days out of blog-shot. How will I cope without you?