What you need to know about agents - Part 2

This follows on from my advice in my last post, about what agents can do for us. Again, adapted from an extract of Write to be Published. And there's more detailed advice about how to approach agents in my ebook, Dear Agent, available on my online shop or in the usual places.

BEWARE CRAPPY AGENTS 

I know that if Godzilla, egged on by a Dalek, lumbered into your garden and offered to be your agent, get you published and make you a millionaire, you’d agree. You’d even ignore the millionaire bit. You’d certainly ignore the mad look in his eyes and the fact that he’s never sold a book in his life. You'd just be thrilled that you'd been offered a deal and you'd now be dreaming of your lunch party at Le Manoir aux Quat' Saisons.

Thing is, anyone can be an agent. There’s no exam. And I have heard terrible stories: Godzilla is cuddly by comparison. Since a great deal of awfulness could happen if you get this wrong, I need you to know how to choose a proper agent. A bad agent is much worse than no agent, destroying your career before it has started and leaving you more stressed than you can imagine an unpublished writer could be. As if being unpublished weren’t stressful enough.

(Let me point out that agents who have a list of published clients with reputable publishing companies are not where you will find crappy agents. If they have published clients with reputable publishing companies they are not, by definition, crappy. However, they may still not be right for you.)

Let's first look at how to avoid genuinely crappy ones, people who really don't know what they are doing. 

Once an agent has expressed a desire to represent you, before you get into bed with him – I am not being literal – you need to exercise due diligence. Here are some questions to separate the rancid cream from the yogurt; some you must ask directly, while others you may find out through asking around:

• What other authors does the agent represent? (Check that these authors are properly published and have some success.) 
• What previous experience of publishing led to his becoming an agent? (If there is no previous proper experience, run.) 
• Is this the agent’s only job? (If not, how serious is he and how much time and energy will the agent have for you?) 
• How does the agent sell foreign rights? For example, he might use sub-agents or scouts, but there should be some clear answer to the question. (Similar question for TV/ film rights, and merchandising rights if you write for young children. But avoid sounding as though you think your book merits TV/film/merchandising opportunities.) 
• Is the agent a member of the Association of Authors’ Agents? (NOTE: It’s NOT essential to be a member, and smaller independent agents often aren’t, but you should ask if the agent at least adheres to its code of practice, a code which you can read on the AAA website.) In Scotland there’s also the Association of Scottish Literary Agents.  
• Can you see the contract that you would sign? Get it checked by someone who understands: perhaps another agented author, or the Society of Authors if you are a member. 
• Is the agent asking for money up front? If so, run a mile. An agent should not charge a reading fee, though they are quite entitled to charge for things like photo-copying. Such extras should be specified in the contract. 
• Is this agent offering to represent only one book or your future ones, too? I've occasionally heard, particularly recently, of agents offering to represent just one book. This seems odd, to be honest, and I'd wonder why the agent doesn't have faith in your future writing career.

Being an agent is not a job for amateurs. Obviously, every agent must start somewhere and acquire a first client – but this can only work if that agent already has substantial experience of dealing with publishing rights in another professional capacity. For example, many agents were publishers for years before they became agents and that is a good way into the business.

In short, be astute and cautious. Think Godzilla.

It’s also important that you actually like the agent. A perfectly brilliant agent simply might not be right for you and it’s important to allow instinct to come into play. So, meet your agent if possible. At the very least, have some phone conversations and remain sober during them. Check that there's a chemistry, and ask about the things I mentioned in the previous post, to make sure know what this agent will do.

And then, if all seems good, sign up and crack open the fizz! On the other hand, remember that getting an agent is only the first step. Now the agent has to sell your book and that is by no means certain.

I recommend chocolate to keep you going.




If you have any questions, do comment below. I could answer them in my Dear Crabbit slot if they lead to a long answer.

What you need to know about agents - Part 1

This post (and Part 2, to be posted later this week, in which I talk about Godzilla) are adapted from parts of Write to be Published. And there's more detailed advice about how to approach agents in my ebook, Dear Agent, which is, happily, available silly-cheaply, on my online shop.

WHY HAVE AN AGENT?

Over the years of being published by different publishers in different genres, I have gleaned some knowledge about contracts and rights and how to fight for mine. Yet, if my agent decided to hang up her stilettos*, I’d throw myself at the feet of another. Why? Partly because I want to write, not fight for my rights. And because my agent, as all good agents will, does all the things listed below and does them so much better than I could. Since agents only earn a percentage of their clients’ incomes, they have a vested interest in maximizing that income. That seems to me not a bad thing.

(*Actually, she doesn't wear stilettos because they prevent her from chasing people.)

WHAT A GOOD AGENT DOES

• Gives honest, expert feedback on your work, and makes you improve it if necessary – lessening the chance of rejection and egg on your face. 
• Knows where to send your work – including individual editors and their preferences – and sends it for you, so you never have to worry about a submission again; discusses you with publishers who trust her judgment. 
• Negotiates the best deal, including every aspect of the contract, having a finger on the pulse of what other agents are negotiating, especially in the changing arena of digital rights etc. 
• Sells subsidiary rights – such as foreign, film and TV, and audio. 
• Understands royalty statements and queries them if necessary – royalty statements are a minefield for writers. I tend to come over all faint when I see them. 
• Has an eye for new opportunities – publishers, particularly in educational and children’s markets, will tell agents what they are looking for and your agent can pass this information to you.
• Manages your long-term career, guiding you in sensible directions. 
• Deals with problems, niggles and disasters. These things will happen. 
• Plays bad cop with your publisher, so that you can play the part of lovely, calm, reasonable author. 
• Increases your earnings – authors with agents earn more than those without. 
• Allows you to write.

My agent also visits all the main publishers several times a year, and then creates a document with all their wishes and plans, and sends it to all her clients. I don't know if this is standard, but it's an example of great practice.

Some agents do the following as well, but most don’t, so don't expect it:

• Create publicity for you – other than the obvious plugging of your name where possible.
• Organise your event programme. 
• Edit your work – all agents should suggest important alterations and point out things they notice, but detailed editing is not their normal job, unless they actually say it is. 

You will hear people say that agents are sharks and will drink your blood dry. As with all professions, the few bad ones drag down the reputations of the good. It's also true that some people who call themselves agents haven't a clue what they are doing - which is what I'm talking about in the next post. Find yourself a good one – following the advice in the next post, and by asking around amongst other authors – and you won’t regret it.

YOU DO NOT ACTUALLY NEED AN AGENT

Despite what I have just said, many writers manage well without an agent. If you don’t have an agent, either through choice or necessity, note the following:

• The Society of Authors provides very useful leaflets covering all aspects of contracts. You don't have to be a member to access most of the guides. The Writer’s Handbook and the Writers’ and Artists’ Yearbook also contain invaluable advice. 
• Also, once you are offered a publishing contract, join the Society of Authors because they provide a free contract vetting service and have legal experts to do it. 
• Consider joining other authors, through a writing group, to share knowledge and experiences. If you can’t find a group, set one up. But make sure you listen only to writers who actually know their stuff - so many published writers know surprisingly little about the contract side and about foreign rights etc.
• Get plugged in to such things as blogging and Twitter, because the more writers you know, the better armed you will be. 

WHO CAN’T HAVE AN AGENT?

If your future earnings are likely to be very small and you are not focused on a long-term career, you will be unlikely to find an agent.

Reasons include:

• You are a poet. It is nigh-on impossible to earn a living as a poet, except through performance, in which the agent is unlikely to share. 
• You have a one-off book and no intention of writing more in the same genre. The agent is very unlikely to earn enough from one book to make it worth taking you on - it's much more work at first than later.
• You are an academic non-fiction writer. Many non-fiction writers do have agents but, again, you’d need to look as though this was going to be a career for you, and academic writing rarely pays well enough. 
• You are...brace yourself...too old. Yes, I am sorry about this, but it’s the long-term career problem. However, there is no hard and fast rule about what is “too old” and it does, as ever, depend on the book. If your book is wonderful and looks as though it could sell in big numbers, you can still attract an agent. Also, the age at which it becomes harder to start a writing career is greater than for other careers. After all, if you are sixty and you’re good enough, you’ve still got enough years ahead of you to make a pretty good career. 
• NB: there's still no reason why you wouldn't get a publisher, though. It's just that an agent may be more reluctant. And it's by no means certain, so if you have a great book, great style (writing style, I mean!) and a good chance of commercial success, go for it.

Here endeth the first part of my agenty advice. Brace yourselves for Part 2: Beware Crappy Agents.

Two last questions for DEAR CRABBIT

Ellie asked:

I know you've been published by a range of presses but, I was wondering, how many agents have you had? I'm currently working on my novel but after it's done I'll be going back to my Christian non-fiction book and then my children's book ideas. I'm thinking, in addition to needing different publishers for each of these I will need a different agent also. Is that correct?

DEAR CRABBIT: how to use my 15 minutes with an agent

Here's a lovely positive question for Dear Crabbit!

Dear Crabbit

I am lucky enough to have bagged a 15-minute session with a literary agent at next month's Edinburgh Book Festival. My question for Dear Crabbit is: how could an aspiring author make best use of this time?

I understand that supplicants will be able to submit work to the agent in advance. I have a WIP but the first chapter won't come right, so there is no point in giving it to him or her. Would another chapter be acceptable? Or should I get advice on my synopsis and cover letter, which haven't been written yet? I also have questions about the subject of my WIP - it has been covered a few times already by high-profile authors and I'm worried it might have gone out of fashion. Would it be better to ask about that?

Any advice would be most gratefully received. Once again, many thanks for the advice which is so generously given on your blog.

Firstly, all credit to you for thinking so carefully about how best to use this opportunity.

I think there are two things you should try to cover in this time, and mostly the first one:

1. The idea and pitch for your book. You are worried that the subject-matter has been "covered" and may be out of fashion. Now, first I'd say that your task (not just for this session but when it comes to pitching properly) is going to be to show that your book takes a new slant. It doesn't matter if the topic has been covered - most have! - you have to have a new slant on it or characters that shine through so strongly that it doesn't matter that the plot is not new. So, first be sure in your own mind that you have a new slant and then write a paragraph-pitch for the book. This is what you can discuss with the agent.

This will be perhaps the most important part of the session. She can highlight possible disadvantages of your story, things that raise flags in her mind. She can advise you what to be careful of and how to proceed.

I think your best strategy here is to write a paragraph-pitch in advance and bring it with you or send it as part of the sample. This is what would sell a book's idea to an agent and is a crucially important part of the process of attracting one. See my blog posts about pitches.

You mentioned the possibility of discussing the synopsis - to be honest, this is pretty much the same as what I've just said. Discussing how the story proceeds and what elements are important is a good use of this time.

2. Your writing. You want to know which bit of writing you should send in advance, as the first chapter "won't come right". Well, if you were at the stage of actually pitching the book, that would matter - a lot! - but you're not. So, whether you show her the first chapter or another one depends on why it is not right.


If it's just that the wrong things happen in it, this doesn't matter at this stage because you're not actually pitching the book, just getting advice. The agent won't mind if the wrong things are in it or it starts in the wrong place - especially if you explain. If it's that you haven't found the voice, that's more critical, though I suspect it's not that because you say a later chapter might be better. 


So, you could send her the first chapter. Tell her that it's not "right" yet - and tell her briefly why - but explain that you just want her to see the voice and judge whether your writing is appropriate for the genre (or something suitable to your concerns).

Or, if you don't want to do that, send another chapter but explain that your book is very much in progress and your first chapter isn't "ready". Explain that you're sending it so that she can see the voice and the "type" of writing you use.

In summary
I think you should focus on the pitch and a mini-synopsis/extended paragraph. Not the covering letter - that's looking too far ahead. Besides, Dear Agent will tell you how to do that!

If the agent feels that the idea and pitch are a no-go area, this is when you need to find out, and she might well have advice on how to keep your book fresh and up-to-date. 

And do tell her that you follow my blog etc! I probably know the agent - do tell me (privately, if you wish) who it is. 

Your best chance of creating a good impression is to sound realistic and hard-working, tapped into all the good advice out there, determined to work hard to achieve your goals, and with an open mind and heart about the whole thing.

Finally, breathe deeply, smile, don't speak too fast. Write down your questions in advance and prioritise them so that if you're running out of time you can omit the least important.

Enjoy! And wave at me if you see me!

DEAR CRABBIT: agent touting on Twitter?

An interesting question has come from one of you.

Dear Crabbit
We hear all the time about how enormous agents’ slushpiles are. So am I right to view with suspicion an agent who uses Twitter to invite submissions, and/or one who is running a competition where the prize is representation? I don’t want my cynicism to stop me from pursuing a genuine opportunity but I’d hate to think I’m wasting valuable writing time and energy. And the competition, by the way, requires entries to be made on an exclusive basis, i.e. novels are not to be on submission to any other agency. Which doesn't sound much like a competition to me, more like a normal submission.

DEAR CRABBIT: how long till I can follow up a query?

Hooray! The very first Dear Crabbit post! (If you don't know what I'm talking about, see this post from last week, in which I announced a change of direction for this blog.) From now on, most posts here will answer YOUR questions, in an agony auntish sort of way.

So, to kick off, you asked:

"I find it so frustrating when submitting work that it takes so long for people to get back to me - if indeed they get back at all. I know agents and editors are really busy people and have lots of manuscripts to consider, but what I would like to know is whether it is acceptable to follow up a submission when you haven't heard for months, and if so, what is the best way of doing it and after what length of time."

Let me first tackle the "I know agents and editors are really busy people and have lots of manuscripts to consider" bit, although I do realise you weren't asking that! I just want to make it absolutely clear.

It's not just that they are really busy and have lots of MSS to consider. It's also that considering an MS takes a long time; giving the feedback for a rejection takes a long time (which is why they usually don't do that) and can be fraught with problems. They may also have to consult someone else - an editor, for example, no longer makes the decision herself; she has to consult with other editors and then, if they all think it's a good idea, take it forward to an acquisitions meeting.

Only a small fraction of an agent or editor's time can be taken up on reading submissions.

But, back to the important questions. First, "whether it is acceptable to follow up a submission when you haven't heard for months" - absolutely.

Second, "after what length of time." It is acceptable to follow up after 4-6 weeks. I'd opt for six. (Unless the submission guidelines for that agent/publisher specifically specify another length of time.) Sometimes, an agency will say "If you haven't heard from us in eight weeks, assume it's a No." I think this is a little unfair because it IS possible that the thing went missing, whether posted or emailed, so I still think it's legitimate to follow up, politely, briefly, and making it very easy for the agent to reply and to know that you will not start being irritating.

Third, "what is the best way of doing it"?

An email, which needs to have the following info: your name, the date you submitted your work, the title of the work, whether you submitted by email or post.

If you submitted by email, I strongly suggest you have your original email below the reminder, so that the agent can easily scroll down and doesn't have to go searching.

An acceptable wording might be, "Sorry to bother you but I'm just checking that you received the synopsis and first three chapters of my YA historical novel, FLESHMARKET, which I emailed on June 3rd. I also know how busy agents are and I realise that it can take longer than six weeks but I just wondered what the situation was. I very much hope that you are interested but if you aren't, I would like to be able to try elsewhere."

It isn't annoying or pushy. It's perfectly reasonable. I also know that the "checking you've received" thing is a bit disingenuous, but it's very human! And emails do go missing.

There are many similar forms of wording that would work. Basically, you're just giving a little nudge without pressurising.

I think it's very important for writers to realise that agents and editors are not ogres or unreasonable. They know how much you want to be published; they know how stressful it is. There is no way that they will think less of you for sending a polite, professional and friendly email.

___________

I have quite a few Dear Crabbit questions from you guys already. Keep them coming! See the Dear Crabbit page above.

The rejection resubmission

A blog-reader asked me to say something about: "Resubmitting to agents when you've had a 'rewrite and send it back' kind of reject. What do you put in the covering letter?  Do you say what you've changed or just let them see? How much of previous correspondence do you mention? If you want to give them first shot and a reasonable amount of time to read but don't want to leave it forever what's the best way to suggest this?"

Good questions. This is when you get the kind of rejection that says, "I liked lots of things about your work but feel that x, y and z were weaknesses. The current market is very competitive and, in order to gain good reviews and uptake from bookshops, books of this sort need p, q and r. I wish you luck placing it elsewhere but if you were to revise it I would be happy to see it again."

So, imagine that you agree with the points made and are therefore more than happy to revise along the lines suggested. (You can't revise if you don't agree with the criticisms, or don't understand them.) And imagine you've revised and revised and really believe that your MS now sparkles in the way that the agent or publisher wishes.

"What do you put in the covering letter?  Do you say what you've changed or just let them see? How much of previous correspondence do you mention?"

Your task is relatively simple: you need to remind the agent that she's seen this work before (and when) and that she said she'd be happy to see it again after a rewrite. And let her know the main things you've changed, though I suggest that the synopsis is the best place to do it. Also, remember that the agent has a) quite possibly forgotten everything about your book and b) really needs to read it from scratch anyway, so does not need glorious details of your changes. I wouldn't bother mentioning too much or too much detail of the previous correspondence, to be honest. What counts is your new version, regardless of what you've changed.

Here's an example of your letter:

Dear "Name", (First name if the agent signed herself with first name in her correspondence; if you feel in any doubt, err on the side of formal and write Ms Surname.) 

In October last year you read my YA novel, MORTICIA RISES, and were kind enough to say that you'd be happy to see it again if I were to make certain revisions. I was very grateful to you for taking time to give me such constructive feedback, and I believe my book is far stronger now. I know you will have read many other manuscripts since then, so I have included brief notes on the revised synopsis, which will show you what I have changed. The new pitch for Morticia Rises follows. 

(Pitch para - no need to indicate what has changed. Just pitch it.)

Then my blog-reader asked, "If you want to give them first shot and a reasonable amount of time to read but don't want to leave it forever what's the best way to suggest this?"

I suggest (and you should obviously adapt to the situation):

Another agent also expressed a willingness to see a revised version. I'm sending it to you first, because [insert reason if there is one; for example, "I know you handle ***, and I'm a huge fan of her work" or whatever else is reasonable and true; but if there isn't a reason, no problem]. I wonder if you could tell me how long you would like to keep it for before I send it to the other agent? I know you'll understand that I'm keen to start sending it out sooner rather than later. Also, of course, I am on tenterhooks! [Never any harm injecting a little bit of relaxed cuteness at this stage!] 

I really hope you like the new version of Morticia Rises but even if you aren't able to offer me representation, I'm very grateful for your insight and for helping me turn it into a much better book. It has been a great learning experience.

I'm a great believer in injecting subtle personality into letters to agents. They are human and they want to work with humans. Never think of them as grim automata. They want your book to be fab. Now, go and make it so.

Need help with writing a great synopsis? You know where to go.

ROCK OF AGENTS

Today I blogged about agents, and one in particular, over on the Awfully Big Blog Adventure. Do go and see what I've said.

 __________________________

So, yes, watch out for more news of that brand new and exciting venture, in which I republish Mondays are Red and Sleepwalking with the help of my agent.

Separately, I will also be publishing a brand new non-fiction list, starting with Tweet Right - the sensible person's guide to Twitter. There will even be a new name for this venture, to be revealed soon. Complete with logo, which is being designed by Andrew Brown of Brown Media. 

And I will be revealing another piece of major special news - something which I guarantee none of you know. The Crabbit Old Bat will be making her bid for world domination. Hear it here first!

AGENT PITCHING ETIQUETTE

A little tip passed to me from a top agent: do not pitch to an agent at a party. The agent is there to have fun, yes? Listening to you banging on about your WIP is not fun.

Oh, and another one: be sensitive to the glazing over of the eyes of an agent being pitched to. I saw her eyes glaze over from the other side of the room. This was a woman who needed rescuing, I thought. I was right.

Actually, authors need to be sensitive to the glazing over of eyes even when not pitching to agents, at parties or not. Yes, we must be passionate and even obsessed about our book, but we also need to display good behaviour and common sense. Put it another way: it will gain you nothing if you bore the pants off someone. After all, you'll probably do it to your readers, too.

While I'm here, it's worth reminding you of something I've said before: writers, even published ones, need to have several pitch stages prepared:

1. The really, really short core pitch, so short that no one's eyes could glaze over, so intriguing that the attention is caught, so compelling that the agent / other listener asks for more. This pitch is about ten seconds long. Or less.
2. The next layer, in which you add a couple more details when there has been no sign of glazed eyes and every sign of wanting more.
3. The next layer - do be careful here: are you sure the eyes aren't glazing over? Perhaps this is a very polite person who is disguising the fact that she's desperate to escape.If you get to the end of the third layer, you have been talking for ONE MINUTE. This is a very long time. (Unless this is a formal pitch, in which you have been allocated a certain amount of time.)
4. In which you answer questions put by your listener. If no questions, shut up.
5. The full-blown "I've been invited to this festival/library/conference and I actually have been told to talk about my book a LOT." one.

Please don't take me literally about the ten seconds / one minute thing: actually, you need to use your common sense about how long your pitch is but there are two strict rules:

1. Shorter is better than longer. Practise your Stage 1 pitch till it's needle-sharp. And I think ten seconds is perfectly adequate.
2. Don't do it when the agent is trying to have fun.

If you were the writer who made my agent friend grate her teeth, don't worry: she's forgotten every detail of your manuscript. And your name. She does remember what you look like, though.

I think she's probably right now having an e-fit photo drawn up and sent round all her agent friends.

MISCONCEPTIONS: AGENTS

There are a lot of misconceptions about agents, particularly amongst aspiring writers who are trying to get one.

One of the misconceptions is that once you have an agent, you will never have an unsold project again, that the agent will wave a magic wand and sell everything you write, or even everything that he or she has approved and believes in.

No.

There are three sorts of agent:

1. The Hot-Shot Uber-Agent - often referred to as a shark by publishers and a god by authors - who only takes on sure-fire commercial winners, and therefore sells pretty much everything, all around the world and with champagne at every international book fair. This agent works damned hard to get as much money as possible for his authors, which is great for those authors, but those authors will be carefully selected for selling power: the agent is enormously tactical about who he accepts as clients. Nothing wrong with that, but it's not going to work for most authors.
2. The Jolly Decent Very Professional agent who obviously hopes for some commercial winners but also believes in a whole range of books and is prepared to take YOUR book simply because he loves it and will fight for its right to be published. This agent works damned hard to nurture your career, whether you're a literary fiction writer or a children's writer or a historian, and even if he knows you probably won't be a No 1 best-seller because you write a different kind of book. But some projects won't sell, because this agent is taking more risks.
3. The Crappy Agent who couldn't sell a pair of boots to me or else who wouldn't know a termination clause if it came up and bit him. But he'll say yes to all sorts of writers because then he can say he's got some clients. He is either not really serious about this job, or is useless. If he sells anything it will be to a terrible publisher who will take anything. Sometimes these agents also call themselves publishers. Which is a rather large conflict of interest. (To avoid confusion, let me stress that I'm not referring to Andrew Wylie, who falls into the shark-god category, and his plan to publish his clients' e-books is a whole different kettle of sharks. No, I'm talking about three recent examples that have crossed my field of vision, in which the parties concerned have shown a huge misunderstanding of how agents work for authors, which should involve the agent looking for the best publisher, not themselves.)

What category of agent you get is most likely to depend on what sort of book you've written.Think about it.

Trying to get an agent is often a deeply and horribly frustrating process. Remember, I have been there. I was there for a very long time. During that time, I ranted and railed against what I perceived as the blindness, the slowness, the vagueness, the contradictions. And I now believe that understanding the thought-processes of good agents (in categories 1 and 2 above), and the markets within which they work, will really help your equilibrium during the process when you go through it.

And there is no better way to understand how good agents think than to go and read Rachelle Gardner's post here, in which she sends you over to another series of posts from another good agent. Go read, and think, and understand. And then go get yourself the right agent for you.

AGENT OR NOT?

I've decided to re-post a very very early post, as it's become hidden in the mists of time but is as relevant as ever. I do not date. I may, however, age.

TO BE AGENTED OR NOT TO BE AGENTED - THAT IS THE QUESTION
Actually, the first question is whether you could be agented. This is not the same as asking whether your work is publishable.

Understand how agents earn: by taking a % of your earnings. (Usually 10-15% and possibly 20% for eg film/TV/foreign rights, because they often pay a sub-agent). So, if you realise that the average advance for a children's book is £1500, you'll see why many agents don't take children's authors, for example. You are also unlikely to find an agent if you a) are a poet b) only have one or two ideas in you c) don't appear to have a commitment to a long career or d) are really annoying. (Because really annoying authors tend to earn less. With the exception of Mr ... But no, I don't know you well enough to say more.) Non-fiction can be hard to get an agent for - unless, again, it's likely to be very commercial. Essentially, you have to have the ability to earn dosh. And ideally have a perfect personality. And never phone on Sundays.

But back to whether you want an agent. Well, put it this way, I'm not about to get rid of mine, despite the fact that I've had many books published happily with several publishers. Why do I hang on to her? For many reasons:

1. I want to spend my time writing.
2. She would mediate between me and my publishers if I were ever to be pissed off with them. It's hard to imagine, but stranger things have happened.
3. She knows what all the other publishers are looking for and can tell me when she thinks I'd be interested.
4. If I want to write something different or approach a new publisher, she's best placed to handle that and to know who to go to.
   
5. She understands all the boring bits of my contracts and knows what everyone else's contracts say and what things publishers can be budged on.
6. She regularly meets all the publishers and also other agents.
   
7. She will fight for me to get the best deal.
8. She has foreign sub-agents and TV/film agents and has regular meetings with them.
9. She goes to the trade fairs and tells people about my work.
10. I can run a new idea past her and she can tell me if it's rubbish, before I've embarrassed myself.
11. She is an honest and expert second opinion when I've written something, and can tell me what to change before I give it to my editor. So my editor thinks I'm brilliant.
12. She can nag my editor. So my editor thinks I'm calm.
13. She accompanies me to all publisher meetings. And plays bad cop. So everyone thinks I'm lovely.
14. She knows everything about the market, and tells me. So people think I'm clever.

And all that while I'm dossing around at home doing nothing. Er, I mean writing.

So, you work it out for yourself. If you want to do all that, then do it.

BUT. You need to know what you can expect from an agent. Not all agents do the same, so when you're looking for one, you must ask what that agent can and won't do. Some agents do PR work as well, but this is not usual, so do not expect it. Just ask exactly what services you can and can't expect. I would also say do make sure your agent is full-time and professional, not just doing it as a part-time hobby.

Openness and honesty are very important. It becomes much much more than a business relationship and it can be tricky to tread the line between professional respect and friendship. I think I've been very lucky and I know many other authors who feel the same way (but some who don't). The main thing to remember is that your agent wants you to have the most successful career possible - because your success is her/his success. And income.

There are some authors who choose to have no agent and who manage very well. They are exceptional - either exceptionally clever and strong or exceptionally foolish.

EDITED TO ADD: you must do due diligence on your prospective agent. I have heard the most shocking stories of people setting up as agents when they haven't a clue how it all works. I've even had a writer tell me that her "agent" signed her up with a vanity publisher. Yes, really. I know, my jaw hit the ground, too.

I have written a couple of posts to help you choose an agent and avoid a dud one. Here and here. Go find!

HOW NOT TO HOOK AN AGENT

There are many ways not to hook an agent but today we are talking about just one: the ill-considered use of a middle-person to make the approach for you, even if the approach includes a glowing report on your book. I have just had a message from an agent telling me about a submission she's just had.

First mistake: it began, "We write on behalf of our client..." NO! Avoid outfits that claim to offer your MS to a whole raft of agents and publishers together. Knowledgeable agents want to hear from YOU, not some cowboy crew who think they know about publishing. Your approach must be personal and tailored if you want proper publication with a real publisher and a great service from a genuine agent. The exception is if the agent already knows and respects the opinion of the sender of the letter, but they will attach no importance at all to the recommendation of strangers.

Second mistake: the website of the outfit sending the letter had basic errors. (Not that the agent got as far as looking, but I did.) Dodgy punctuation, dull writing, no evidence of real knowledge or passion, and a claim to use a "published author!" - their exclamation mark, as though finding a published author to help them was such a big deal. If the person making the recommendation writes such dull English and fails to understand how publishing works, why should the agent trust the opinion of said person?

Third mistake: before describing the MS, the organisation offered boring and irrelevant info about its "client's" background. When offering a novel, background is irrelevant unless it happens to be relevant. If the people in this outfit don't know that, they don't know anything.

Listen at the back, please. Stop fiddling and pay attention. If you're a writer and you have a publishable book, do not demean yourself by getting someone to present your book to an agent on your behalf. By all means quote a genuine endorsement if you have one that means something, but don't use a third party that the agent hasn't heard of. Using a third party may seem professional to a novice, but it isn't. It's just not how publishing works. Publishing works very simply: professionals (agent and / or editor) love your book, believe it can sell and know how they would sell it; said professionals sign you up, buy the rights (well, the publishers do) - and buy means PAY FOR - and put their company's money into marketing, distributing and selling your book, passing on a % to you twice a year. You do not need any other middle people. Yes, you can have other people helping by giving feedback, either informally or formally, but once your book is ready to send out, you must do this yourself if you want to gain respect.

Sometimes writing consultancies do offer to present your book, if they feel it's good enough, to agents or publishers with whom they have contacts. Sometimes this is OK, but only if the consultancy is a quality outfit with genuine connections.Unfortunately, too many are not, and some are now getting themselves a bad name for giving over-glowing reports on dud MSS.

My consultancy (Pen2Publication) does NOT offer to submit your work to agents or publishers for you. However, if I came across an MS which I felt was ready and suited to an agent or publisher of my acquaintance, I might create an opening and / or endorsement, but that would be all. I don't advertise that fact because it's rarely going to be the case and I don't want to raise hopes. Also, I know very well that most agents worth their salt want to be approached directly by the writer and if the work is good enough my opinion won't be needed. I certainly would never make the approach for a writer and I would not recommend any writer to use that method.

You're a writer: write your own letters. Get genned up on publishing and do your research. Write the best book you can and stand up for it yourself. Getting someone else to submit your work is NOT the best way to impress an agent or publisher. Trust me.

MULTIPLE SUBMISSIONS

Having promised to go with my heart AND my head by blogging much more about writing techniques than submitting techniques during my second blog year, which starts on Sunday, I thought I'd do my last post of my first blog year on one detail of submissions which often crops up and which I haven't fully dealt with. I'm doing this because a) it's tricky, so I want to get it out of the way and b) it's damned boring but generates loads of verbiage.

As you know, I write from a UK perspective, but actually the answer is going to be remarkably the same wherever you are, although UK agents may more often request that you don't do multiple subs, mainly because they are more often smaller or sole-traders and simply can't afford the time to read your work if they've little chance of you ultimately choosing them in a competitive situation. [Hooray for competitive situations, I hear you say.]

SO: "Should I / may I submit to several agents or publishers at once? What if their guidelines say they don't like multiple submissions? Exclusivity, srsly?"

The over-riding answer to this conundrum is as follows:

Let common sense and decency prevail. HOORAY! Do as you would be done unto but don't prostrate yourself at the altar of anyone - any agent who demands abject subservience and doesn't understand what it's like for writers doesn't deserve clients; any writer who can't see how to work decently and fairly with an agent or publisher, doesn't deserve one. Follow Bentham's principle of utilitarianism, "the greatest good to the greatest number of people."  This means that, in each situation, work out how your action will be fairest and best for both you and the agent / publisher. Clearly, if you think only of them and not of yourself, they could have exclusivity for ever. In which case, you'd suffer and your book would probably never be published, thereby depriving readers of your wondrousness. Which would never do.

If, however, you think only of yourself and disobey a request for exclusivity, you'd be likely to land in deep water, piss people off and show yourself as a very dodgy person to work with. In which case, you would also end up probably not being published.

So, realise that agents and publishers are neither stupid nor cruel**.  They are realistic, mostly decent and very, very busy, if they're any good. Each one is also different and you usually don't know what they're like until you approach them, so do so politely and open-mindedly, as you would anyone you wanted to do business with.

[**Actually, some are, but these are not the mainstream ones or ones that any published author has heard of. Yes, there are some oddballs, but oddballs tend to get stuck in small holes and with any luck you'll never come across them. If you think you might have found one, Google them before proceeding. It's called "due diligence" in the business world.]

I started to write a list of does and don'ts, but it became too prescriptive and at the same time couldn't cover every eventuality because, to repeat, each agent or publisher is different and has a different situation. The best thing for you to do is see them all as human, in a human situation, and to realise that they DO want to find good books but keep having dross chucked at them. Accept that they understand the situation for writers, too, because all their clients are, by definition, writers. They know that we can't wait months and months for each agent to reply, and they will do their best to be reasonable. But an agent's first duty is to existing clients [and publishers to authors] and when some of the limited remaining time is spent considering a new writer's work, only to find that the new writer has secretly already approached other agents who are also all working on it, it's very galling. They're not usually salaried, remember, so they need to know whether their work is likely to pay off.

This is why, further than exhorting you to be sensible, rational, decent, and the sort of person you would like to do business with yourself, I cannot tell you more precisely what to do. I do really think you need to rely on your common sense for this. Common sense is a very important asset for a writer at any stage of his career and I can't recommend it enough.

Luckily, however, there is something to help inform your common sense. I'd like you to hop right over to this excellent post by a real agent, Mary Kole of the Andrea Brown Agency in new York. I think Mary gives a really good insight into how a "normal" agent thinks, though note that she does point out, as I have done, that everyone's different. These are not rules, just clues to common sense. It's the fact that they're all different that makes this hard to make rules for, but actually rather easy to find a way round: be decent, sensible and human and you'll get it right.

And if in doubt: be open and up-front. Ask. What is the agent going to do? Reject you because you asked a reasonable question?? I think not.

____________________________________

Since from next week I'm going to be majoring on writing not submitting, let me answer one other submission question I am often asked:

"What is the longest we should be expected to wait for a response before we could politely nudge the agent or publisher to see if they're going to reply?"

I offer you my shortest answer yet: three months.

____________________________________

Anyway, people, I hope that helps and I hope that you're looking forward to improving your writing before you ever get to the point of submitting. Because, you know what the one big mistake writers make with their submission?

Submitting it too soon. When is too soon? Now is almost certainly too soon.

On the other hand, at some point you've got to do it... Yes, at some point you have to stop angsting and fretting, stop removing commas and putting them in again, and just send it out there. And my job over the next year is going to be to show you how to get to that point.

Stay with me!

Meanwhile, don't forget the birthday blog party, here, on Sunday. And if you're far away from this time zone, don't worry: the party continues for 48 hours!

NO UNSOLICITED MANUSCRIPTS, OK????

One of the hurdles which publishers sometimes put in your way is the "No Unsolicited Manuscripts" one. Bit like arriving at a house for a party to find the lights off in the hall and the door shut. You can see the party going on upstairs but no one's answering the bell. Damned irritating.

As a party-goer, you have three choices.

1. Creep away and go back home, seriously pissed off that everyone's at the party except you. Fume unpleasantly and to no effect or find another party to go to.

2. Hammer on the door / throw stones at the windows till someone notices.

3. Phone and explain that you're on the doorstep and would they please come and let you in.

As an author, you have three choices.

1. Obey. Don't send them anything; save your stamps and paper. After all, they're obviously too busy to read it and you'll annoy them by disobeying, won't you?

2. Disobey. Just send it anyway. After all, they won't turn down the Next Big Thing, will they? Publishers and agents DO want your book if it IS perfect for them.

3. Send a query - a letter or email which makes your book sound so irrestistible and shows that your power of language is so astonishing that they will ask you to send your submission (partial or full). Then it won't be unsolicited, will it?

Each of these choices carries risks of a negative outcome.
1. Obeying carries a negative certainty: your book will absolutely not be taken by that publisher, because you haven't sent it. Therefore, obedience is not necessarily beneficial, though it is safe. If obedience is your forte, see option 3.

2. Disobeying obviously carries the risk of outright rejection simply for having disobeyed, and the risk of having wasted your stamps, paper and time. However, it carries the tiny possibility of success. So, it may be worth disobeying if you are as sure as possible that there is a very good specific reason why this publisher might really be looking for this book. Is your book a perfect match? [Don't say so: that's for them to decide for themselves.] Can you be sure that your pitch is so perfect and so compelling that it will get you past the No Unsolicited Submissions rule, which they have put there for a reason?

NB: the reason why they say No Unsolicited Submissions is, basically, that they are sick of being overwhelmed by the utter crapulosity of the guff that lands on their desks, often accompanied by toffees*, tea-bags**, stupid rhymes***, and glitter confetti****.

*    -  see this post.
**  -  an agent friend just received another one, accompanied by a covering letter suggesting that she might enjoy a cup of tea while reading the jolly MS. Consider the possibility that a) that is for the agent to decide and she is perfectly capable of knowing whether she wants a cup of tea b) this might not be the first time someone thought of this rubbish idea c) that she might think twice before drinking the tea from a grubby bag that has been fingered by a stupid author before being stuffed in a re-used envelope and d) it says absolutely nothing for the quality of the MS, which is the only thing the agent cares about.
*** -  see this shame-faced post here.
**** - a well-known way of pissing off agents and publishers.

3. The risk of the query letter approach is that if the answer is no, you have buggered your other option of disobeying. Remember when you were a kid and you did that oh-so-mature thing and asked permission to do something exciting / radical and the person said no? Well, then you couldn't do it, could you? Whereas, if you'd just gone ahead and risked it...

The query letter approach is also very difficult. To query someone who has already indicated busyness, exasperation, crabbitness, or general lack of desire to read an MS that hasn't come from an agent, means that your query must be spectacularly brilliant. Your book must be patently the right book, aimed at the right publisher at the right time. It must be clear from the covering letter that it is exactly what he or she wants, even though you don't know what it is that he or she wants. You have to express it so beautifully and compellingly that the publisher simply cannot pass on it.

Your query must, in short, be perfect, even though no one, not even I, can tell you what that perfect query is. Why can't we tell you? Because we don't know your book and we don't know the mind of the agent / publisher you are sending it to. Every book is different; every author is different; every agent or publisher is different. Therefore, each ideal query letter is different.

Having said that, you expect me to advise you and so I shall. Your query to publisher who has stated No Unsolicited Submissions must, in no particular order:

1. Show [not tell] that you are a wonderful wordsmith, with a perfect command of our language and an ability to engage.
2. Include nothing that reveals that you are not fully aware of how publishing works and knowledgeable about the market for your book. There are many, many common glaring errors in query and covering letters  - see some of my posts about covering letters. I know covering letters are not the same as queries, but they follow the same principles of needing grab your expert readers.
   
3. Describe the book in a paragraph or two and in a way that really does make it sound like a book that lots of people would want to read and therefore a book which the publisher can sell in quantities - but Do Not Tell Them This. One good way to think about this is to think how you'd write the blurb on the back of your book, though it should be somewhat longer than most blurbs.
   
4. Offer a book of the exact sort that publisher usually handles - that way, how could they turn you down?? [Easily, actually - it could be the right sort of book but not written in the right way.]
   
5. Show [not tell] that you are professional, non-delusional, stable, hard-working, talented and very wonderful to work with.

Told you it wasn't easy...

You might want to know which of the three options I would choose if I didn't have an agent. Frankly, it would depend on the book and the publisher. If I genuinely thought I'd written a book which was a perfect match for publisher X, I'd use Option 2 or 3. Yes, but which one, you annoying woman?

Eeny, meeny...

Option 2. Ooh, scary.

Or Option 3.

No, seriously. It would depend. I'd do everything possible to find out about the person I was planning to approach, see if I could contact one of their existing authors for advice, case them out [in a non-stalkery kind of way...] on their blog or website or Twitter and then I'd make a judgement as to which to do. If they don't have any of those on-line presences and I couldn't find out anything about them, I'd have to have a stab in the dark.

Option 3 is the more professional and more difficult. Therefore, if you want me to give a definitive rule:

OPTION 3.

But you've got to do it brilliantly and have written a brilliant book. On the other hand, you're going to need to have done that anyway.

A DILEMMA OF AGENTS

Unpublished writers are always being advised to get an agent. You're constantly told how important it is, and how the agent must be a good agent, and how to spot crappy ones and attract wondrous ones [hooray for mine!]. I have myself waxed* lengthily about the virtues of wondrous agents.

[For clarity: I didn't mean that I have myself waxed...]

Frankly, you must be sick to death of hearing about the glorious importance of agents. And here's another article saying the same thing, and very rightly and persuasively, too.

There's a problem with us banging on about this, though. In fact, there are at least two problems.

Problem 1: It's not easy to get one.

Problem 2: For some types of writing/writer, it's absolutely impossible, to the extent that even those of us who say agents are necessary will agree that you shouldn't bother to try. We'll shake our heads and say, "Oooooh, nooooo, an agent won't look at you, I'm afraid." And then you quite understandably want to knock our contradictory heads together.

Before we come to solutions [hooray for solutions], it may help to understand the reasons for both these problems:

• agents only earn a % of your income, so while you're wondering how the hell you can survive on a £3000 advance, they're wondering the same about a much smaller amount. Therefore, they can't be expected to take you on unless they've good reason to expect not just a book but a career out of you. Also, all the work they do for you won't be recompensed for ages. [You might say the same about your own writing, but that's your choice; it is also their choice.]
  
• So, if you're a one-book wonder or, er, in the twilight zone of your writing life, you may not be a viable proposition. [I know this sounds harsh. I'm simply stating what has to go through an agent's mind, as opposed to a publisher's. A publisher can still be very interested in you. And in certain circumstances an agent may be, too. I'm talking about likelihoods, not certainties.]
  
• And if your genre is a low-earning one (such as memoir, poetry, academic or specialist writing), again, you're simply not worth the effort. Don't take this personally: agents have to earn a  living.

So, solutions. In other words, if you are someone who can't have an agent, by virtue of the type of writing you do, or if for some other reason you decide to do without an agent, how can you make sure you don't sign your life away and miss out on all the wonderful opportunities that good agents find for authors?

LEARN ABOUT HOW PUBLISHING WORKS

If you're to persuade a publisher to take your book, you must see the world through their eyes, know how they think, know why they do what they do. How? Luckily, I have a few suggestions. Otherwise that would be a pretty silly point to make.

• read this blog. Oh, you already are. Well, keep reading it, then.
• read these blogs too, all of them, every single post: Editorial Ass, How Publishing Really Works, Writer Beware, Stroppy Author, Editorial Anonymous, The Behler Blog, and agent Rachelle Gardner's blog Both the latter two are US based but also useful for UK and other writers.
• learn all this stuff before you ever submit anything  -  of course you could strike lucky as a beginner, but it's most unlikely

READ THE RIGHT BOOKS

Carole Blake's book, From Pitch to Publication. 

Carole is a director of Blake Friedman, leading UK literary agency.


The Writer's Handbook  -
a must for all writers both before and after publication


KNOW YOUR RIGHTS
Research your rights and responsibilities with regard to things like copyright, intellectual property right, digital rights, ebooks, territories. Every writer should know about the first two; unagented writers need to learn about the others. Why? Because otherwise, when you're offered a contract (happy day!) how will you know whether it's acceptable or the best you could have?

JOIN THE RIGHT ORGANISATIONS
Fortunately, being offered a contract usually allows you at least associate membership of the Society of Authors (in the UK  -  and also, I believe, the separate organisations in NZ and Aus). This means that the experts there will look at your contract and advise you  -  free. No unagented writer should pass up this opportunity.

Other organisations which can be useful, at least for meeting others who may know more than you, are SCBWI (The Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators), PEN, Scottish Book Trust, Book Trust, Literature Training, NAWE (National Association of Writers in Education) and regional writing groups. Some of them (eg Literature Training, Book Trust and Scottish Book Trust) don't require membership and are there to offer advice to all interested people.


FOLLOW PROFESSIONAL ADVICE
There's a vast amount of advice on the internet or available from friends and acquaintances. Some of it is fantastic in the sense that it's excellent; some of it is fantastic in the sense that it's based on fantasy. The human temptation is to follow the advice that we like the sound of  -  it's called confirmation bias. We ignore what we don't like at our peril because the truth is often unpleasant or difficult. So, be ruthless in your analysis of what advice you will choose to follow.

As you know, I am starting a literary consultancy, Pen2Publication, in order to offer professional (ie not free) advice. I am doing this because I think that if you want good individual advice you have to pay for it. I and my fellow bloggers, devoted as we are to your success, can only give general advice and can't be expected to analyse each individual situation in our own time. And good advice does need to analyse the individual writer's situation and writing. So, if you want the best advice for you, and you don't have an agent, you will need to pay for it. Unless Mother Theresa has reincarnated herself without my knowing. Mind you, I don't think she'd be the best person to advice on publication.

FIND A PUBLISHING PARTNER(S)
This is an idea I had five minutes ago. It struck me that when I was struggling to become published, I knew no one who was trying to do the same, and certainly no one who had succeeded. So, I had no concept of what was acceptable or normal. Nowadays, it's easy to find other writers in the same position as you, or a little way ahead. The blogosphere is full of them. So, get down with the bloggers and Twitterers, find fellow writers who seem to have the same goals as you and join together to support each other and share information.

One of the best ways to make the right contacts for this and to get advice coming your way would be to blog. I blogged about blogging here and Twittering here. I love Twitter and it's a veritable joy to see conversations going on between several of you who are there too, sharing info and support in a fabulous way.

IN SHORT
I suppose that all of this can best be summed up like this: get informed and get connected. It's important for all authors to do this, but for the unagented it's utterly essential.

FOR YOU, GENTLE READERS, SOME QUESTIONS

On the one hand, you could call me lazy. On the other hand you could take into account that I am working about as many hours as I can stay awake, I have just finished a hectic round of school events up and down the country, I am putting together the whole concept of Pen2Publication and ... WE ARE PUTTING OUR HOUSE ON THE MARKET, according to my beloved. Which means that I have to keep tidying and putting things away and pretending I don't have a smelly dog. And baking coffee and brewing bread and trying to make it look as though I always have a house full of fresh flowers.

All of which goes to excuse why I am now going to post TWO questions from Simon, one of my lovely readers, and hand over to you all with only the briefest of answers from me. (Brief? Me? God, there must be something going on.)

Simon says:

"Re overseas agents? Is approaching one a good idea? There are quite a few agents in the USA who I'd like to approach but I'm really not sure if it's a sensible approach. It's obviously harder to build up a working relationship with someone so far away. But, with all thecommunication technology available to us, perhaps it can work."

I say: assuming Simon is in the UK (?) there's not really a very good reason for doing this unless for some reason his books are particularly US-friendly and not UK-friendly. This is possible but you'd want to be sure of this. If you have a UK agent, he/she will try to sell to the US anyway, or your UK publisher will if said publisher holds the US rights. Personally, I'd have my agent in the territory* where I live. And let her organise sub-agents for foreign** rights. And very hoorayishly, she's just sold Hungarian rights for Deathwatch, for which I certainly didn't have a Hungarian agent, just a hungry one.

Edited to add (sorry  -  I was tired last night):
* I should clarify: I'm really talking about US as opposed to UK. Australia and NZ are so similar in relevant ways to the market in the UK that there's no disadvantage for an Australian author, for example, having a UK agent. It's not a matter of living nearby and popping round for coffee  -  it's a matter of having the same writer-reader mindset. And the US, much as we love you Americans, is just different. Gloriously so, of course, but different.

** by which I mean foreign language.

Then Simon said:

"The other question is to do with sample chapters of a novel. I'm wondering whether it is a good idea to post some chapters of my a novel-looking-for-an-agent-or-a-publisher. Is that a sensible piece of platform-building or is it dangerously close to self-publishing and/or using up first publication rights?"

OK. What does this platform-building entail? Because if it's a couple of hundred hits and 25 comments, this is not a platform. It's very very unlikely that you'll build a platform so powerful that it would make any difference to their decision. Also, yes, you do risk technically blowing first rights. If this is genuinely a taster, a sample, hmmm, possibly  -  but actually it's most likely that an editor would want to edit it anyway, in which case you haven't acheived anything except confuse your potential readers. Also, a taster is not going to work unless the actual book appears very soon afterwards  -  for example, when publishers offer taster chapters this is always very shortly before publication.

So, I'd say that posting your chapters online can do very little good and could do harm.

Edited to add: Sarah, in one of the comments below, reminded me about this excellent post on Editorial Ass.  

And now, you people full of energy and without houses to sell, please help me out with more answers on those questions.

Meanwhile, I am off to copy all the many Hotel Choc comp entries into a doc for my secret judge to judge. I am stunned by how many of you entered. I am going to need a substantial amount of fortification even just to copy and paste them all.

And thank you Simon for asking  -  you saved me having to dream up something new on a night when my shoulders are screaming with too much keyboard time!

COVERING LETTER - PERFECTION REQUIRED

(It's a long one - settle down with wine, chocolate, anything you need. But there is a competition at the end, so it will be worth it.)

"What's so important about the covering letter / query letter? After all, isn't it the book that counts?"

Yeah, sure it's the book that counts. But the agent/editor isn't going to get that far if your covering letter isn't good. No, forget that. The agent /editor isn't going to get that far if your letter isn't absolutely damned perfect. Or better.

You've been reading the recent Submission Spotlights on this blog. Well, I've been reading the submissions to the Submission Spotlights. Some of these are so bad that if I put them on my blog there'd be blood on the floor and tears at bed-time. So now, I feel, it is time to pound you with some serious sit-up-and-take-notice instruction about covering letters. (Or query letters if you are across the pond. They're not quite the same but pretty close.)

Here we are. Please take note. Even though I hardly know where to start.

1. when describing your book, give the most important info first. The most important info is the info that the agent/editor needs first. And that is, what sort of book it is. So, Redleg needed to tell us right off that it's futuristic / sci-fi. Yes, lots of people (readers/agents/editors) hate sci-fi and don't read it: that is no reason not to tell them. In fact, it's all the more reason to tell them, otherwise you get one seriously pissed off agent who finds out half way through chapter one that she's reading a piece of rom-com that she thought was an American Civil War novel.
2. actually, there's an even more important piece of info you have to give first, but it's something you can't say out loud, only show. It's this: that you are not the run-of-the-mill useless sort of rubbish that the agent/editor is assuming you will be. Let your professionalism steam.
   
3. don't ever call your book a "fiction novel". Do you need to know why you shouldn't do this? If you do need to know, you're not a writer because you haven't properly thought about the meaning of your words. Which is the entire point of being a writer not a piece of crapness.
   
4. don't say that your book is a historical-satirical-romantic-sci-fi novel. If it is, it's a mess.
5. don't confuse the description of your book with the back cover blurb which you'd like to go on the back of your book. Your letter needs to say more than that - the blurb poses intriguing questions but the covering letter has to give us a bit more detail about how you will answer those questions.
6. don't ...

Actually, I've had a way better idea. Today, I was preparing for a workshop I'm giving at the Edinburgh Book Festival, on "The Perfect Approach to Publication", and I was planning to major on the ultra-important topic of covering letters. So, in the spirit of putting mouth where money is I decided that I should write a lovely sample imaginary covering letter, and my workshoppers and I could all discuss it and learn from it.

Then .... I had the bright idea of sending it to my actual agent - praise be to her for her tolerance of me and most of my wacky ideas that disrupt her working time and ability to drink coffee at peace - and seeing what she thought of it, professionally, imagining that she'd never heard of me. (Like many people). And guess what, she said liked it, that it was almost perfect and she'd love to be my agent!! Yay! Then we both remembered that she already was.

BUT - and here's the real pointy point - she did actually have two suggested improvements. Aka imperfections. (How dare she? Did she really think I wanted an honest opinion? Hasn't she learnt by now that authors only want to be told they're brilliant?) And then I had my wheeziest wheeze of the day, if not week.

I thought I'd put the covering letter here, just as I wrote it, and ask YOU to say what you thought were her two alleged imperfections. See, I know how much you like competitions and this is one. There will be a prize for the person who most closely (IMHO) guesses the two (obviously deliberate) flaws in this beautiful covering letter.

Clues: one is a sentence which she thinks (rightly) is not strong enough / right. And the other is something she (rightly, because she is nearly always right) would like me to have said but I didn't. (Obviously deliberately. Duh.)

ANSWERS IN THE COMMENTS SECTION, please.

First, I should stress that the book I am talking about is actually my next book, and is being published in June 2010. All details are as the book is - except that the description of me and my attempts at approaching agents are obviously not true, because I have one. Wasted has already been written and accepted and paid for and the copyright is mine all mine, just in case you thought it sounded like an idea you might use. Dabs off - go think of your own ideas. I'll have no plagiarists on my blog.

And obviously I have not enclosed any toffees, glitter, or a photo of me wearing nothing but a snake. I have not listened to myself bang on for nothing.

So here it is. And obviously ignore the silly address etc.

Perfect Author
Address etc etc
Email Address
Phone number

Anne Hathaway
Anne Hathaway Agency
12 Aspirational Avenue
Dreamland

Date

Dear Ms Hathaway,

I enclose the synopsis and sample first chapters of my 67,000 word Young Adult novel, Wasted. I also attach my CV, as requested in your submission guidelines.

Wasted is a story of love, choice and the science of chance. Jack and Jess meet by chance, and fall powerfully in love. Jess - beautiful and talented singer - and Jack - impulsive, fascinating, intense, drummer in his own band, Schrödinger’s Cats - are on the eve of leaving school; freedom beckons. But Jess’s mother is an alcoholic and Jess, only child in a single-parent family, feels responsible. As for Jack: his mother died long ago - twice. After such unlikely bad fortune, he is obsessed by luck, chance, fate - whatever you call it. Jack calls it something to be controlled and so takes deliberate risks, playing a game with a coin, challenging chance to beat him. Chances are that, one day, it must. Events come to a dangerous climax in the heady, alcohol-fuelled beach party after the Leavers’ Prom, when life or death hang on the toss of a coin.

An unusual voice - present tense, omniscient, vivid - is not the book’s only defining feature. Twice within the story, I write alternative versions of an event, versions which turn on an almost unnoticeable chance difference, but a difference which has vastly different consequences. I then toss a coin and the story continues with one version, depending on the result. Finally, I write two alternative endings and challenge the reader to toss a coin to “choose” the ending. How the coin lands affects which possibility becomes reality. And it’s a life or death difference.

I have worked very hard to make this novel as ready as possible for publication but I am also very used to welcoming editorial guidance. I have had a few pieces published in other fields, as you will see from my CV, but I am ambitious to become a successful author for young people and am prepared to work as hard as necessary to achieve that. The high quality YA market may be relatively small, but it’s one I love and would be so proud to work in.

I have already submitted Wasted to the Tanya Highbury agency and, although she gave me some very positive feedback, she did not feel that it was right for her at this time. Otherwise, yours is the only agency which I have approached so far. I know how busy you must be with existing clients but you will understand that I want to approach other agents fairly soon; therefore, I would be most grateful if you could tell me what your position is on my approaching other agents or indeed some publishers.

I very much hope that you will like what you read and that you will want to see the rest of Wasted.

Yours sincerely,

(incredibly amazingly potentially successful author but wishing she could really be even more so and will definitely follow all editorial advice - no that's not what I would really put: this is for the purposes of HUMOUR)

So, then, whatchyathink?

IS YOUR WRITING HOT ENOUGH TO LIGHT FIRES?

I read this Very Useful Post on agent Rachelle Gardner's blog last month and now is the time to draw it to your attention if you didn't read it at the time. It gives a wonderful insight into the mind of an agent and what mental processes they must go through before saying yes to your magnus opus.

I believe that if you fully understand this, it will do two things for you:

1. help you when you are rejected, especially after those rejections which are accompanied by a message along the lines of "I liked many aspects of this but in the end I feel I have to pass"
2. encourage you not to submit your work until you are as sure as you possibly can be that it is as compelling and perfect as you can make it

Rachelle's blog contains frequent gems of warm and important advice. Bookmark it - I guarantee you won't regret it.

And if you're thinking maybe she's fussier than other agents, think again. All good agents and publishers make equal demands of the books they agree to take on. There's so much uncertainty in the world of reading that if there isn't passion and certainty in the agent and editor's hearts, then how can they possibly throw themselves behind a particular book? And if they don't throw themselves behind it, it'll be doomed.

Some other blog posts that help explain reasons why your book my be rejected:

• common-mistakes-of-unpublished-authors
• deciphering-your-rejection-letters
• big-mistake-1-slip-of-voice
• big-mistake-2-problems-with-pace
• big-mistake-3-show-not-tell-let-me-tell-you-how
  

But actually, none of those tell it as clearly as Rachelle's post because in the end it's all about hooking the reader. You can follow all the rules you like: if your writing doesn't have the necessary spark and perfection in the right places, it won't light any fires.

I've now had lots of submissions for my Submissions Spotlights, and I can tell you with 100% certainty that none of them is good enough to be published - yet! - though a few contain potential. But you can't expect agent / editor to see through the imperfections to the potential: they need more than that because they simply can't spend the time training you up. All the training and all the practice have to come from you. You can't afford to send anything less than the best.

Hot? It needs to be boiling point before you send it anywhere. Anything less is failure.

PSEUDO-AGENTS - BEWARE

As you may know, hell hath no fury like me when I see inexcusable ignorance. When people don't know something, that's fine: I am happy to elucidate. Even when people think they know everything but in fact only know a small proportion of everything, I can cope: acerbic elucidation is called for, and acerbic elucidation is my forte. But when someone thinks he/she knows enough about the writing world actually to call himself an AGENT, when that person knows less than mouse-droppings about it, then I get angry. My mouth begins to resemble a guppy's as I struggle to produce any lucid words.

See, I thought an agent was someone who knew about publishing. Like, even anything. Because the ones I know are incredibly knowledgeable about it. (As you'd, er, expect??) Mine, for example, knows exactly to whom anything should be sent and exactly what rights should and shouldn't be offered for exactly what dosh. I ask her a question and she tells me the truth. She knows the ins and outs and the ups and downs and can guide me through minefields and extract the best deal from the situation. It's what she's there for and why I'm delighted to hand over her percentage.

Yay for such agents! They are worth their weight in commission. Even if they are very large. Which mine isn't. (Despite the meal I gave her after the launch party, which included meringues and cream and cheese and voluminous sparkly wine. But I accidentally forgot to offer the chocolates round and so, sadly, must eat them all myself.)

But news has come to me of horrible things that worse-than-useless pseudo-agents can do. Thing is, anyone can be an agent. There's no exam or anything. In recent months, I've heard the occasional story of surprising lack of knowledge on the part of some people who call themselves agents. And I've chosen to ignore it.

Until now. Exercise your imagination for a moment. Suppose there was a vanity published author who was ignorant of every aspect of publishing; suppose that "author" then called himself an agent. To be clear, let's imagine that this is someone who doesn't realise that an author is supposed to be allowed to earn money from writing, who hasn't heard of rights and doesn't know the first thing about even the tiniest part of the publishing process, and who will swallow the line that books shouldn't be edited because "editing diminishes the creative and cathartic flow necessary to the transportation of the real writer" (my arse) - and he thinks he can agent someone else? And now imagine that this was not imaginary ...

Since such crappiness could happen, I need you to know how to choose a proper agent. Believe nothing if you don't believe this: a bad agent is worse than useless and certainly much worse than no agent. A bad agent will destroy your career before it has started and will leave you more stressed than you can imagine an unpublished writer can be. And, as you've probably already discovered, being unpublished is stressful enough.

So, before getting into bed with an agent (do I need to specify that I am not being literal?), ask some questions:

• what other authors does the agent represent?Investigate how well the books have done.
• what previous experience of publishing led to him becoming an agent?
• is this the agent's full-time / only job? If not, why not and how much time and energy will the agent have for you?
• how does the agent sell foreign rights? For example, they might use sub-agents or scouts - but there should be some clear answer to the question. Ask what countries any other clients have been sold into. (Similar question for TV/film rights.)
• what professional bodies is the agent a member of? Investigate them.
• can you see the contract that you would sign with the agent? Get it checked by someone who understands - perhaps another agented author, or the Society of Authors if you are a member, or any other body that you belong to.
• what would be the agent's plan for your career?
• is the agent asking for any money up front? NO! The agent should earn commission - ie a % of your writing income from any work which falls within the scope of the above contract. So, the agent doesn't earn from you before you earn yourself. An agent will not charge a reading fee.

And here are three questions to test the alleged agent's knowledge:

• can the agent explain in clear terms the difference between vanity publishing, self-publishing and mainstream publishing?
• can the agent answer the question: what trends do you see in publishers' attitudes towards this particular genre at the moment?
• how can an agent help an author exploit IPR?
  

That should sort the cream from the rancid yogurt!

If you happen to have a friend or acquaintance who is offering to be your agent in an amateur way, be very cautious. If I were you, I'd think barge-pole, frankly. This could be the end of a beautiful friendship and is unlikely to be the start of a glittering career. Being an agent is not a job for amateurs. Obviously, every agent must start somewhere and acquire a first client - but this can only work if that agent already has substantial experience of dealing with publishing rights in another professional capacity. For example, many agents were publishers / editors for years before they became agents - a very good way into the business.

So, please be very astute and cautious, walking onto an agent's list with eyes wide open. Do not be so desperate or flattered that you leap into a relationship immediately - a bad agent is worse than no agent and much more stressful.

I think I've been pretty calm about all this, in the circs. My first draft included phrases like cockroach vomit but I decided to leave that out, so as not to spoil your breakfast. Ever caring, that's me.

MONEY MATTERS - THE MAD MATHEMATICS OF ROYALTIES

Every now and then laziness overcomes me. Luckily, this usually happens when someone has just done something so clever and useful that the most clever and useful thing I can do is tell you about it and then go back to sleep.

So, if you have ever wondered about the maths (or math, for you over yonder ocean) of royalties and advances and foreign rights and returns and all sorts of other bogglingness, please travel over to Editorial Ass here, for the detailed rundown on what it all means and what you can expect/hope for/dream of/fear when you eventually see your treasured WIP hit the shelves. As you surely will if you keep listening to my advice and acting on it.

It simultaneously answers the question that the unagented among you often ask: Why do I need an agent? Maths/math is why. That and a lot of other things, such as calming pissed-off authors down when stuff happens, as you can be sure it will. Stuff has a habit of doing that.