WHAT NOT TO SAY IN A COVERING LETTER - COMP

Carrot: there's a competition at the end of this post! As part of the countdown to the launch of Write to be Published - three weeks to go -  I have two more crabbit bags up for grabs. (Oh, and I am thrilled and excited to say that the books ARE now in the warehouse and if I wasn't away tomorrow my copies would be arriving then! Yay!)

But first, the "learning", as management-speaky types say.

Here are some things you should NOT say in a covering letter. I have seen them all in various forms:

• My book is for readers of 9 to 99.
• You and me are going to be rich. ( Or "You and me are" anything.)
• I have printed my book on a HP Photosmart XB100.
• I enclose for your delectation...
• I have chosen to send you chapters 3, 8 and 73, because I think they are the best ones.
• I have chosen to send you chapters 3, 8 and 73 because I haven't printed the others out.
• I have chosen Comic Sans because it's nice and clear.
• I enclose my fiction novel.
• Dear Sir. (Or Dear Madam.)
• Hi!
• Most readers couldn't give a toss about books nowadays but I promise they'll love this.
• It's like Love in the Time of Cholera, but way more interesting.
• It doesn't really fit any genre.
• My kids almost died laughing when they read it.
• It's not like the other books out there.
• I have already published it as an ebook so I've proved there's a market. Now I'm looking for print publication.
• I don't think it needs much editing.
• I know it needs a lot of editing. 
• It's been my life's dream to write a book but I never had time.
• Several people have said I have real talent. 
• I was highly commended in an online competition and one of the judges said I have a very unusual voice.
• It's written in a very simple style because readers of this age are not very clever.

There are plenty of other things people get wrong in covering letters but these are the most common and most glaring. All my sensible advice for covering letters is in Write to be Published, as well as in previous posts on this blog, but can also be summed up as:

• Be sensible and professional.
• Be calm and sane.
• Be clear and concise.
• Write a decent book. (Though it may also be indecent. But be careful if it's for children...)

OK, so, here's the competition. It's an easy one this time.

I have admitted several times on this blog that I once wrote a covering letter in rhyme. However, there was something else tacky and stupid that I did in that same covering letter. What was it? (If you don't know, guess. If no one gets it right, the most creative wrong guess will win!) If there are several correct entries, I will put names in a hat. Deadline: 1st June, midday UK time.

Answer in the comments below - even if someone has already given what you think is the right answer. And please do spread this competition around - anyone can enter! Yes, overseas bods, too. I love y'all.

And do please also enter the BIG WTBP Comp - details here. Entries are so far few but fab. And I know that several of you are working on it.

If you want to order your signed copy from me in advance - AND GET IT EARLY! - click the Buy the Book page at the top of this blog. If you order from me you will automatically be entered into the monthly draw to win another crabbit bag. And I will be happy, which should make you happy and the world a therefore happier place.

Now, comment away. And you can answer up to three times, as long as your answer is different...

CHECKLIST FOR GETTING PUBLISHED

I believe that if you can say yes to all of these, you give yourself more chance of being published. Unfortunately, I can't guarantee that doing all of them will get you published, because that depends on what you have written, how well you have written it and whether a publisher believes he can make a success of it. And magic fairy dust.

[This is an updated version of an old post, something I'm going to do every now and then because this blog has become so big that it can be hard for you to find what you need. Which is one reason why I wrote Write to be Published. On which subject, do head over and join the FB page and have a chance to win a crabbit bag!]

So, here's my checklist for being accepted by a publisher, in no particular order:

1. Are you up-to-date with what's being published in your genre? Are you a fan of the genre? Can you name, easily, six authors whose books you admire in your genre? I don't know why I said six - I was tempted to say ten, but that seemed a bit tough and seven is not my favourite number. Nine would seem a bit weird. And I could have said eight - in fact, I will. Eight, then.
   
2. Are you writing something at the moment? You should be. And if you've finished something and you're waiting for people to get back to you, you should be writing something else. Writers write and usually get better as they go. (Though, for some interesting reasons, once you're published a few times, this may not happen...)
   
3. Have you got lots of ideas in you? Train your mind to catch and play with ideas. But learn to discard the ones that won't work.
   
4. Are you taking steps to discover all the rules about submitting to publishers / agents? Follow  submission guidelines - they are there for a reason.
5. Are you perfectly professional in your working life? Do you always do what you say you're going to do when you say you're going to do it? (And I do mean in your professional life - I'm not bothered whether you do the ironing when you say you're going to. In fact, if you do the ironing when you say you're going to, you've got too much time on your hands - get writing, for goodness' sake!)
6. Are you beginning to network by joining forums or groups (on or off-line), using Twitter, perhaps blogging or at least commenting on other blogs? Not everyone wants to be in a writers' group or something where you have to share your work (and there's no need - I certainly didn't) but if you join an organisation or sensible webgroup/forum for writers, you will learn a great deal and make valuable contacts. And that you do need. Many people cringe at the word networking - so call it something else then, but still DO it. It's not creepy and crawly unless you are creepy and crawly. Just be friendly, open and sensible.
7. Are you doing writing other than your core WIP? For example, do you blog? Or submit articles or stories to magazines. All writing is good practice and you never know where it might lead.
8. Are you avoiding all the mistakes in the article on Common Mistakes of Unpublished Writers?
9. Are you trying to learn about your craft, trying to improve?
10. Are you open to constructive criticism from an expert? Obtaining and reacting to professional feedback is very important, especially if you've been rejected a few times already.
11. Do you feel gutted and miserable and everything else unpleasant when you are rejected again? If not, you probably don't want publication enough.
12. Do you ooze green poison when you read in the papers of some idiot's 6-figure debut contract? If not, you probably don't want publication enough.
13. If offered the choice between a month on a paradisical island, all expenses paid, travelling 1st class, with silently gliding masseuses attending to every knot in your shoulders, bringing you iced mango whenever you feel like it, and an offer to publish your novel, would you choose publication? If not ...